Husan Abdul Tariq used to love listening to music on his iPhone.  Then Al Quaeda cracked down.

“Our ringtones now have to be a muslim cleric reading a verse from the Koran” complains Tariq.  “F—–g sucks if you ask me.  I just want to kill westerners and listen to Rock and Roll.”

Ali Mahamed Yusof was sentenced to 25 lashes when Al Qaeda found him singing along to the popular 1970s hit “Convoy” on his iPhone.

The previous two examples highlight a growing problem for Al Qaeda in the battlefields of Afghanistan:  How to prevent western influences from corrupting their fighters.

The CIA conducted a month-long study and what they found surprised them.

“We discovered that 95% of the fighters in Afghanistan had Paul McCartney and Wings on their iPhones. More specifically the Back to the Egg CD, which in the official opinion of the CIA has always been under appreciated.  Before we did this research we just assumed that the Wu Tang Clan or the Black Eyed Peas would be the top musical favorites with the rebel fighters” said CIA Director Leon Panetta.

The CIA immediately put this new information to their benefit and programmed predator drones to zero in on the sound of Paul McCartney and Wings.

“This strategy worked well for the most part.  We did take out hundreds of Al Qaeda though we did end up killing a 43-year old mother of two in Ho-Ho-Kus New Jersey who liked to listen to Wings while doing her laundry.   We also killed former Wings members Laurence Juber and Steve Holly who were onstage at a ’70s music festival in Ohio.”

The CIA even went as far as shipping thousands of copies of the Koran to Afghanistan with the verses replaced by lyrics from songs on the Back to the Egg CD.

“They never knew what hit them” said Panetta.  “Once they started morning prayers with ‘Say you don’t love me my salamander’ the drones would come in and before you could say ‘cattle watch out for snipers’ they were toast.”

Al Qaeda responded by burning pictures of Wings in effigy.  They also banned all salamanders from Afghanistan.  Any salamander caught would be beheaded.  Al Qaeda’s war against the salamander worked until PETA members showed up in Afghanistan and started using their bodies as human shields to protect them.

The CIA is confident that their strategy of targeting Paul McCartney and Wings will lead to victory.

“The only thing that can stop us now is if the enemy started listening to John Lennon instead” said Panetta.

Paul McCartney could not be reached for comment.

(294)