Rise of Extremism in Turkeys Worries Department of Homeland Security

Extremist turkeys threaten the American way of lifeThe Department of Homeland Security has upgraded its threat assessment level, citing an alarming rise in extremism among turkeys.  “Frankly we are very worried that an incident may happen” said Janet Napolitano, Department Secretary.

With the Thanksgiving Holiday approaching, Department officials are worried about increasing reports of wild turkeys congregating on street corners.

“Many of them just have an evil look about them.  Some even have been seen carrying around copies of the Koran.”

The turkeys have apparently become radicalized.  Exactly how or when this started happening no one has been able to determine.  But one thing is clear:  Turkeys now want to kill us.

“This is our greatest fear.  Formerly peaceful, productive turkeys who cared about nothing except their next meal now view themselves as being at war with our way of life.”

Perhaps this is best exemplified by the recent spate of attacks in New Jersey.  James R. was walking home from work when he encountered a group of radicalized turkeys.

“I saw maybe eight or nine together talking and looking at me.  At first I thought they might be Irish so I was a little worried.  But as I got closer I saw they were turkeys.  I have always liked turkeys.  Some of my best friends eat turkeys.  My supervisor is a turkey.  So I figured they’d just let me pass.”

But it was not to be.  James quickly found himself surrounded by angry turkeys.  They forcibly held him down and beat him unconscious with their feathers.  James awoke with a note pinned to his jacket that read “This is in retaliation for chopping my brother’s head off, gutting him and shoving dressing inside him.  Turkey Akbar!  Oh, and your cranberry sauce sucks.”

A group calling itself the “Turkey Liberation Front” has claimed responsibility for the attack.

“We will continue our war of turkey liberation against the infidel meat-eating Americans.  No one will be safe.  When you sit down to Thanksgiving dinner remember this – what you are about to eat may be a suicide turkey bomber.”

The Turkey Liberation Front also promised to capture John Madden and try him for crimes against turkeys.

“Every year Madden, in an unspeakable atrocity, chooses one of our turkey brothers and glues extra legs onto him.  He does this for sport.  The war criminal Madden will pay for this dearly!”

The Department of Homeland Security, in conjunction with the Obama Administration and NBC, are advising Americans to forgo traditional thanksgiving meals in favor of green, vegetarian fare.

“Our latest intelligence shows that vegetables are still our friends.  Be safe. Eat peas” said Napolitano.


One Response

  1. innominatus says:

    Extremist turkeys should be dropped from a helicopter. “As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!!”

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