With Thanksgiving yet again upon us millions of  Americans with carbon footprints that are too large will get into fuel-consuming cars and planes to eat slaughtered animals.

“This so-called Holiday is not a holiday for native Americans” said Joseph Wheeler, author of the book “Thanksgiving is Bad and I’m Smarter Than You.”

“It is a perverse holiday that celebrates the destruction of an indigenous small carbon footprint, vegetarian society.  Oh sure sometimes they would burn down entire sections of virgin rainforest but not being Europeans their actions must have had pure motives.”

Wheeler is not alone in his criticism of Thanksgiving.  From his home in Tennessee Al Gore released a statement that said “We are experiencing a crisis in the world.  Sea levels are rising.  Species are on the verge of extinction.  My new TV channel is doing badly in the ratings.  Americans continue to ignore all this to travel hundreds of miles to eat turkeys.”

The Turkey Liberation Front, Citizens for Free Range Turkeys, The Turkey Republican Army, Vegetarians for Turkey Rights and Barney Frank have all come out favoring the abolition of Thanksgiving and the replacement of it with a more suitable, modern holiday.

Among the suggestions to replace Thanksgiving are moving Kwanzaa up a month and celebrating it in November.

“It’s tough enough getting Americans to notice Kwanzaa because it falls around the time Americans celebrate those Jewish holidays of Christmas and Hanukkah.  It would make more sense to ban Thanksgiving and move Kwanzaa to a time where it won’t have to compete with those Eurocentric holidays” said Wheeler.

Another suggestion is outlawing Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and Christmas and replacing them with one holiday that celebrates native American culture while adding a penance ceremony. The new proposed holiday called “Repent Eat Vegetarian Low Carbon Footprint Native American Celebration Day” would start out with a recitation of historical grievances against European culture.  At the end of the recitation those in attendance would take off their shoes and burn them to symbolize a commitment to reducing carbon emissions.  A vegetarian meal would then be served on paper plates.   Americans would also be banned from traveling more than a quarter mile to celebrate the proposed holiday thereby reducing greenhouse emissions.  There is significant support for the new holiday in Congress and a bill is expected to be introduced in January formalizing the new tradition.

In a related note at the White House today President Obama, in a ceremony that dates back to President Truman, pardoned the White House turkey and wished it a “free, happy, long life without interference by Humankind.” 

The pardoned turkey was then run over by a car as it tried to cross Pennsylvania Avenue.

“You see, this is why we have to ban the internal combustion engine” a distraught Obama told reporters.

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