Oprah Ends Talk Show to Concentrate on Ruling the Universe

The Universe will soon know Oprah’s wrathOprah Winfrey has announced that in 2011 she will step down from her popular talk show to concentrate on “using my Divine powers to rule the universe and make it bend to my will.”

In a press conference attended by various angels and archangels Oprah said it was time for a change.

“I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now.  My talk show, while enjoyable, pales next to the fact that as The Divine Being, I have more important things to take care of.”

Miss Winfrey then detailed her history of Divinity.

“My fans kept telling me I was Divine.  I demurred because there is only one Divine, and that’s the Divine Miss M, Bette Midler herself.   But one day I was having a fight with that bitch Phil Donahue.  I kept telling him there can only be one talk show in Chicago.  I was thinking really bad things about the man and suddenly he started to choke.  He kept saying ‘stop it……I can’t breathe.’  It was at that  moment I realized that I was omnipotent.  I stretched out my hand and  said ‘Bow to my will white man!’ He was lifted up to the ceiling.  I then turned him into a jack-in-the-box and sent him into the cornfield.  Since that moment I have honed my powers.”

Miss Winfrey was asked about the changes she intends to make in the Universe.

“There are many things I do not like and will do away with.  Other talk shows.  Free will.  Lake Michigan.  February.  Cheese-Its.  The letter “T”.  Worms. That Stedman fellow.  The guy from the cable company who said he’d be at my house at 11:00 but showed up at 12:30. The Andromeda Galaxy.  Reruns of  CSI: Miami.  Photosynthesis.  Exoskeletons.  The 13th Century.  Math.  These will all disappear or suffer my wrath.  What’s the  point in being omnipotent if people don’t fear you?”

The first sign of the new order was the mysterious deaths of all talk show hosts in America.  Jay Leno’s head was found attached to Disneyland’s gates and his limbs strewn across the four corners of the globe. Jimmy Kimmel was mixed with copper and tin, baked to 1000 degrees and turned into bronze.  Conan O’Brien’s pubic hair was made redder.  He later killed himself. Craig Ferguson became an olive plant.  Alone of all talk show hosts Jimmy Fallon was untouched.

“He’s no threat to me.  I have plans for  him” said Oprah.

The Divine Oprah then ended her press conference by giving new cars to all reporters.


Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>