Browsing the blog archives for June, 2009
Responding to criticism of their time-honored Spartan battle dress, the King of Sparta today unveiled new uniforms for his warriors. The old uniform, consisting of a long cape and tight leather underwear was deemed “insufficient protection” against a cruel and bloodthirsty enemy as well as “not conducive to maintaining bodily warmth in our all important […]
Today in Federal Court The Grinch filed a lawsuit against the citizens of Whoville, claiming “blatant discrimination, housing segregation, loss of self-esteem and job prospects.” In a 55-page brief The Grinch lays bare his soul and his complaints against the citizens of Whoville. Page 25, “…..housing discrimination is illegal yet I am relegated to living […]
Local resident Speedy Gonzales, formerly of Mexico, died today from injuries sustained during his shift as a busboy at a popular Italian restaurant. Sources report that shortly after 11 PM William Devereux, after a night of heavy drinking at a nearby Irish bar walked into the restaurant that Speedy was working at and angrily demanded […]
Computer Scientists working overtime at the FBI have hacked Osama Bin Ladin’s computer revealing tantalizing new clues and surprising new facts about the mysterious and still at large terrorist. Agents were able to use an algorithm to hack Bin Ladin’s email address (sexyman@jihad.com). Once his email was hacked it was easy to follow an electronic […]
Today after traveling to a remote town in Egypt to apologize to a local farmer for the death of his donkey, “A tragedy and I’m sorry”, President Barack Obama realized that he had in fact apologized to every last person on Earth. After an awkward silence that seemed to go on forever the President decided […]
Tonight I went to Yankee Stadium III (AKA “The Launching Pad in the Bronx”, “Wind Tunnel Mysteriouso”, “Land of 1000 Screens”) to see The New York Yankees (the only force holding up our crumbling western civilization) play the Tampa Bay -(Devil) Rays of Florida. And yes, Andrew Jackson, John Quincy Adams and James Monroe are […]
Meeting at a video arcade in Times Square, 55 men between the ages of 41 and 72 formed Local 47 of the Association of Dirty Old Men. “It is time dirty old men unite for our common interests” declared “Ralph”, a 56 year old bus driver whose hobbies include baseball, hanging around schoolyards and crossdressing. […]
The long-planned Rise of the Cats has been officially postponed it has been learned. The revolution was supposed to start over the July 4th weekend when humans would be distracted by holiday outings. Many cats had placed high hopes that this uprising would finally lead to the overthrow of their human masters. Fluffy, the calico […]
The NCAA today announced that it is hitting the College of Cardinals with sanctions that will keep it out of tournament play until 2013. “After a lengthy investigation of recruiting and financial violations it is with regret that I must announce the following sanctions against one of the NCAA’s premier attractions” declared the President of […]
Amid tight security and flanked by police and private guards, Elmer J. Fudd was led into the U.S. Courthouse in lower Manhattan to answer charges that he defrauded investors of millions in one of the largest Ponzi schemes ever. As he stood before the judge he was asked his name for the record. “I am […]