Computer Scientists working overtime at the FBI have hacked Osama Bin Ladin’s computer revealing tantalizing new clues and surprising new facts about the mysterious and still at large terrorist.  Agents were able to use an algorithm to hack Bin Ladin’s email address (sexyman@jihad.com).  Once his email was hacked it was easy to follow an electronic paper trail to his computer, gaining access to his internet bookmarks and other personal documents.

Perhaps the first surprise in store for the FBI was discovering that Bin Ladin is a big reality TV junkie.  His homepage was the official site for “Jon & Kate Plus 8.” There were also links for  “Survivor”, “Real World” and “The Amazing Race.”  Also included as bookmarks were a large selection of Japanese porn.  Bin Ladin seemed to have a particular fascination with oriental women in full body casts.

“Yeah, we were pretty freaked out by that” said one agent who wished to remain anonymous.

It apparently can be very lonely being an on the run terrorist as Bin Ladin also belonged to eHarmony and listed his hobbies as “tending my goats,  long walks on the beach and killing infidels.” Bin Ladin’s preference was a woman between “25 and 45 years of age within 5000 miles of Afghanistan.” He was in open communication with a woman named Maureen from California and had written her “I like your photo.  I do not get out much but would you like to meet for tea and jihad?” His message to her had as yet gone unanswered. Bin Ladin also seemed to have a variety of health ailments as he had bookmarked “WebMD” and seemed particularly interested in the pages on kidney stones and erectile dysfunction.

“Our second surprise was that his background image was of Sally Field.”

Bin Ladin had a thing for the former Flying Nun and had emailed her asking for an autographed photo:  “Dear Miss Field.  I have been a big fan of yours since I first saw you in the Flying Nun 40 years ago.  I have the complete Sally Field DVD collection which I watch on my TV all the time.  I have seen Smokey and the Bandit over 200 times.  Burt Reynolds does not deserve a goddess like you!  That bad boy is all wrong for you and will break your heart.  You need a shy sweet man like me…wink…wink…I’m only kidding Miss Field.  I don’t want you to think I am stalking you.”  

Bin Ladin also was involved in a long-running dispute with his local cable company and had emailed them in frustration after they added “The Eternal Word Television Network” to his service:  “Hello?  EWTN?  WTF?  Do you know who I am?  Do I have to switch to Verizon FIOS?”

The FBI is confident the new information gained from his computer will help in the ongoing search for Bin Ladin.   “He can’t stay on the run forever.  I mean, he’s no James ‘Whitey” Bulger.”

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