The NCAA today announced that it is hitting the College of Cardinals with sanctions that will keep it out of tournament play until 2013.

“After a lengthy investigation of recruiting and financial violations it is with regret that I must announce the following sanctions against one of the NCAA’s premier attractions” declared the President of the NCAA, Myles Brand.

“The College of Cardinals will be ineligible for tournament play, including the NIT until 2013.  They will not be able to recruit new members until 2012.  Their first round NCAA win in 2007 will be voided.   They will be unable to televise their games. We are also fining them $650,000.”

When asked what specific evidence the NCAA had against the Cardinals, Brand mentioned a “pattern of abuse” that started with Pope John Paul II and escalated under his successor, Benedict XVI.

“Under John Paul archbishops were enticed into the College of Cardinals with  promises of advancement.  One of them might one day become Pope.  Also, gifts were showered upon potential recruits.  We have emails promising ‘the fullness of the holy spirit’ to those who entered the college.   Now I have no idea what the fullness of the holy spirit is worth, but I bet it’s more than a sneaker contract.”

“Pope Benedict would brazenly show off the city of Rome to potential recruits and promise them private apartments in Vatican City.  All this is in direct violation of NCAA by-laws.”

The Vatican stands to lose several million over the next few years in ad revenue alone in addition to the fine levee’d against them.  Pope Benedict XVI maintained his innocence and called Brand a “punk” and vowed to “kick his ass from here to kingdom come” the next time he’s in the United States.

Their starting power forward, Cardinal Justin Francis Rigali, who had to sit out a year after transferring from Villanova declared his disappointment with the sanctions.  “This may be my last chance at a championship.  Needless to say this is a bitter pill to swallow.”

From New York City, the heavily recruited Archbishop Timothy Dolan angrily threw his purple biretta on the ground.  “I pictured myself on their team next year.  Now what?”

Brand concluded his press conference by promising further investigations.  “We have our eye on the Electoral College.  If I were a member I’d worry about being disbanded.”

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