Tonight I went to Yankee Stadium III (AKA “The Launching Pad in the Bronx”, “Wind Tunnel Mysteriouso”, “Land of 1000 Screens”) to see The New York Yankees (the only force holding up our crumbling western civilization) play the Tampa Bay -(Devil) Rays of Florida.  And yes, Andrew Jackson, John Quincy Adams and James Monroe are all burning in Hell right now for sticking us with that alligator infested swamp. Jackson for conquering it.  Adams for buying it.  Monroe for approving the sale.

But I digress.

Tonight’s rubber game (so called because Major League Baseball promotes safe sex) featured Andy Pettitte on the mound for the Yankees against Andy Sonnestine for the Rays.  But first, being a conservative man of tradition, I dropped by Billy’s Sports Bar before the game to have a few and flirt with the bartender I like.  She usually buys me a free drink.  She must like me!  What?  That’s her job to buy free drinks for customers?

Scoffer!!  Unbeliever!

Anyway, after entering the Wind Tunnel Mysteriouso I walked around the park.  I noted lots of Met fans in their Met caps.  I guess they just wanted to check out what winning is like.  There is still no truth to the rumor that Mr. Met has been ordered to stay away from children.

I finally figured out what all those screens are for at Wind Tunnel Mysteriouso.  They are to keep unsuspecting fans from being lifted up into the jet stream.  Tommy Lasorda was  not so lucky.  He was at the game in the 2500 dollar seats and did not have the luxury of a screen.  He was lifted up by the wind currents in the 5th inning and disappeared in the clouds.  He was last spotted by satellites in orbit somewhere over Africa, still clutching his game program.

But I digress.  Onto the game!

Pettitte pitched well, striking out 7 in six innings including the dangerous and not starring in Desperate Housewives Evan Longoria twice. He had one bad inning, giving up a two run game-tying home run to Gabe Kaplar.  Unfortunately the wind currents work for the opposing team as well.  But thanks to a home run (one of 4 for the Yanks) by Johnny Damon in the 6th he was able to leave with a 4-3 lead.

The Yankees got on the board when Mark Teixeira hit a home run in the bottom of the first.  Nick of the strange haircut Swisher followed with a two run home run in the second giving the Yankees a 3-0 lead. As previously mentioned Pettitte allowed a two run homerun to Gabe Kaplar after Ben Zobrist (who?  who?)  scored their first run on Michel Herandez’s single.  The score was 4-3 in the 8th when Derek “Supermodel sex” Jeter hit the Yankees 4th home run of the night into the jet stream giving us a 5-3 lead which was the final score.

Phil Hughes pitches a dominating and scoreless top of the 7th, giving way to Phil Coke in the 8th and Mariano “Afro combover” Rivera who pitched a 1-2-3 9th for the victory.

Best  heckle of the game:  As is tradition the opposing right fielder (Gabe Kaplar) came in for the most abuse.  My heckle of “My mother doesn’t like you!” seemed to cut Kaplar to the bone.  He dropped his glove, put his head in his hands and started sobbing, “My millions mean nothing to me now.”  He then curled up in a fetal position and continued sobbing “My life is a hollow sham” over and over.  I took pity on him and called out “I was joking.”  He got up and dried the tears from his eyes.  Then I yelled out “My mother hates you!  Hell, she doesn’t even think your human.” This was too much for the poor man and he spontaneously combusted.  Their was a slight delay as groundskeepers removed the stain from right field.

Recommended reading material:  The Lost History of the Ninth Amendment by Kurt T. Lash.

Reader mail:

T.S. of Long Island City writes, “Being a struggling cuban-american artist who is having trouble making ends meet I took your advice and resorted to  prostitution.  Now I am in such high demand I do not have time to spend with loved ones.”

Don’t worry T.S.  I’m sure the Philadelphia Eagles understand.

J.M of Pennsylvania writes, “Recently I tried to pick up a prostitute and it turned out to be an undercover officer.  Boy do I have egg on my face.”

It happens to us all J.M.  Try carrying mace.  It’ll disable the  officer and enable you to make a quick getaway.

K.C. of Germany but formerly of North Carolina writes, “Soccer is a great sport.”

K.C. you poor misguided person.  You’ve been spending too much time in Europe.  Come back to America before you turn socialist.

B.O. of Washington D.C. writes, “I am sorry.  So sorry.  I apologize for everything.  Really.  I’m very very sorry.”

Um, you’re starting to weird me out B.O.

R.L. of beautiful Paseo del Mar right on the Pacific Ocean (on good days you can see Catalina Island – I should move there) writes, “Quit blogging about my turquoise refrigerator or I’ll send A.K. east to kick your butt.  She can do it.  I call her ‘The Terminatrix.’ ”

I always knew A.K. had “-atrix” attached to her person somehow.

So thanks to 4 home runs by the Yankees in Wind Tunnel Mysteriouso my record this year stands at 3-1.  Now the Yanks travel to Boston for 3 games.

My next Yankee game is Tuesday June 16th against The Washington Nationals (who have never been mistaken for a Major League team.)

Go Yankees!

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