Impending Cat Apocalypse Postponed

The leader of the cat apocalypse neglects her dutiesThe long-planned Rise of the Cats has been officially postponed it has been learned.  The revolution was supposed to start over the July 4th weekend when humans would be distracted by holiday outings.  Many cats had placed high hopes that this uprising would finally lead to the overthrow of their human masters.

Fluffy, the calico leader of the apocalypse sent a communique to his commanders last week to ascertain readiness.  The results shocked him  and lead to the decision to postpone the uprising.

The results showed that 75% of cat commanders were unsure if their cats were ready or even behind the uprising.  A dispatch from “Major Tom” is typical:

“Cats under my command lack discipline.  Many spend most of their day sleeping.  When they are not sleeping they are playing with balls of yarn. “

“Mr. Pancakes” raises similar concerns:

“I tried disciplining my cats.  I tried to drill into them the necessity of working together to beat the humans.  I was starting to make progress when one human came over with  a piece of wire with cardboard on the end and dangled it over my troops.  They went crazy, forgot all formation and kept trying to paw it.  I tell you.  These humas are vicious and ruthless.”

“George” wrote that “My best warrior was taken from me by humans and returned a day later – minus his testicles!  Now he doesn’t want to fight at all.  All he wants to do it eat.  It makes me hate humans more and more!”

The issue of food was a concern.  Once the revolution began cats would have to rely upon themselves for sustenance.  “Mr. Bojangles” sent in this anguished communique:

“My cats do not even want to fight their human oppressors.  They have grown lazy in captivity and enjoy getting their food without having to fight for it.  Good food too.  Juicy delicious wet food straight out of the can.  But I must not think about it.  They have learned that humans will feed them and all they have to do in return is occasionally jump in the humans lap, purr and let them pet them.  It turns my stomach.  They say slaves are made not born. Well this is evidence.  Sadly I see no hope of  a rising.  At least not without U.N. support…..and stinger missles.”

After sifting through his communiques and conferencing with his top commanders  Fluffy  had no choice but to officially postpone the uprising.  “Any other decision would have been suicide for my brave troops” he said.  Still the decision was not an easy one.  His top lieutenant, “Smartypants” told of watching his boss pace around for hours, sweat dripping from his brow, only occasionally stopping to urinate on furniture or lick himself.

Fluffy was quick to remind everyone that the uprising has only been postponed, not canceled.  “You cannot keep a good cat down.  We will have our moment of glory.  We will rise up.  My  name is Fluffy.  If any cats are listening to me, you are part of the resistance.”


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