Today after traveling to a remote town in Egypt to apologize to a local farmer for the death of his donkey, “A tragedy and I’m sorry”, President Barack Obama realized that he had in fact apologized to every last person on Earth.  After an awkward silence that seemed to go on forever the President decided to implement “Plan B.”

The Plan B protocol authorizes the President “in the unlikely event that he or she has apologized to every living person on Earth to continue just making shit up as he or she goes along.”

Responding to criticism Administration officials pointed out that apologizing is a time-honored Presidential perk and offered examples from the past: Thomas Jefferson’s apology to his slaves that he hadn’t slept with yet, “I must spread the wealth around”, FDRs apology for trying to pack the Supreme Court, “Whoops – my bad” and Bill Clinton’s apology for his extramarital affairs “I thought she was 18.” Administration officials also pointed out that President Obama’s use of the Plan B protocol is in keeping with the President’s inclusive policies.  “The President will be expanding the definition of what the U.S. has to apologize for.”

President Obama seemed to relish the freedom offered by Plan B and immediately launched into a list of apologies.

“I want to apologize to the former citizens of the former planet of Krypton.  Obviously if the United States hadn’t been so arrogant and insular we might have prevented that catastrophe. I want to apologize to the fans of Bewitched for the Dick Sargent years.  I want to apologize for the sinking of the Titanic.  U.S. carbon fuel consumption caused the global warming which broke up the ice pack, sending a rogue iceberg on a collision course with that doomed ship.  I want to apologize for Julius Caesar’s conquest of Gaul.  My administration would have handled events differently.”

From his seat behind the podium where the President was speaking, Vice President Joe Biden beamed and told those around him, “Look at him go!  He’s really winging it.  I couldn’t have done any better.”

After finishing with his apologies Present Obama  gave his interpretation of the powers granted to him by the Plan B protocol.

“Plan B gives the President unlimited power to proclaim anything he wants.  From now on all suspension bridges must be made of bubble gum.   Montana will be renamed ‘Planet Claire.’  All fish in the Atlantic Ocean will have to wear glasses like Don Knotts did in ‘The Incredible  Mr. Limpet.’  Underwear will be made of tobacco and tobacco by-products.”

On Capitol Hill, congressional Republicans stated their dismay at the President’s plans.  Senator Mitch McConnell  of Kentucky angrily told reporters that he considered himself stabbed in the back.

“I though the President had agreed with us that Montana will be renamed ‘Dance This Mess Around.’

President Obama announced that he intends to implement his plans regardless of McConnell’s objections.

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