The Lonesome Death of Speedy Gonzales

Speedy Gonzales in happier timesLocal resident Speedy Gonzales, formerly of Mexico, died today from injuries sustained during his shift as a busboy at a popular Italian restaurant.  Sources report that shortly after 11 PM William Devereux, after a night of heavy drinking at a nearby Irish bar walked into the restaurant that Speedy was working at and angrily demanded a bottle of bourbon.  When Mr. Gonzales did not bring it quickly enough he called him a “Mexican son of a bitch” and struck him repeatedly on the shoulder and head with a glass-encased autographed photo of the 1980-1981 cast of “Saturday Night Live.” Mr. Gonzales fell to the floor his last words being “¡Andale! ¡Andale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Yii-hah!  Speedy no so Speedy.  He no get out of way of white man!”  He was taken to a hospital but died shortly thereafter of a brain hemorrhage.

Mr. Gonzales had recently emigrated from Mexico in search of a better life.  With his wife and children still in Mexico Speedy worked two jobs hoping to make enough money to bring them to New York.  A heartbroken Mrs. Gonzales when informed of her husband’s death wept as she described him as “A good husband and provider.  He did not drink alcohol.  He was friendly even to total strangers and had a kind disposition to all.” 

Before emigrating Speedy was known in his town as the leader of a local mariachi band and was reportedly the “fastest mouse in all of Mexico”  gaining interest from NFL teams and a try out with the Philadelphia Eagles.  He was let go because of his small size.  The Head Coach of the Eagles, Andy Reid, released a statement expressing his sorrow over Speedy’s death, calling him “A true gentleman and a remarkable athlete.  He was the fastest I’ve ever seen.  If only he had been a little bigger we could have used him.  Also, our lawyers were worried that I might eat him.”

A local advocacy group, “Mexicans United Against Violence and Saturday Night Live” called the tragic death of Gonzales another example of the rising frequency of hate crimes perpetrated against Mexicans by white men.  They blamed “Intolerance and Lorne Michaels.  You know the show’s sucked since they got rid of Norm MacDonald.”

Mr. Devereux was arrested at the scene and charged with murder.  Devereux’s wife expressed astonishment that people would think the attack was a hate crime.  “Nobody likes Mexicans more than Billy.  He uses them to mow our lawn.  Billy was probably just drunk and thought Speedy was Latvian.  Everybody hates those Latvian bastards.”

A fund has been started to defray the cost of funeral expenses and flying Gonzales’ body back to Mexico.


One Response

  1. tufffguy says:

    The Philadelphia Eagles just spent the extra money wisely on Donovan McNabb 🙂

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