Responding to criticism of their time-honored Spartan battle dress, the King of Sparta today unveiled new uniforms for his warriors.  The old uniform, consisting of a long cape and tight leather underwear was deemed “insufficient protection” against a cruel and bloodthirsty enemy as well as “not conducive to maintaining bodily warmth in our all important manly regions.”

“After our disaster at Thermopylae we conducted a postbattle review and we found that our brave Spartan warriors were spending too much time trying to warm their midsections rather than destroying the Persian enemy.”

One of the survivors of the last stand testified in front of a senate commission:  “Did you ever try slicing a Persian enemy apart when your nuts are numb?  C’mon.  Throw us a bone will ya!”

Another brave survivor recounts watching his son’s head “get chopped off because instead of going in for the kill he had his hands over his testicles trying to keep them warm.”

This brave warrior, who lost one eye in the battle continued:  “Sure we look good in leather and the women and the Athenians – those boy lovers and philosophizers – dig it but Greece can be a cold and rainy climate.  Did you ever wear wet leather?  I have one word for you – chafing.  Try sneaking up on an enemy when your shorts are squeaking.”

The bipartisan Spartan Senate commission consisting of live supporters of the King and recently murdered enemies of the King recommended that “in the future whenever our brave warriors go into battle they have the proper equipment to protect their equipment.”

At the press conference announcing the findings the new Spartan Battle Dress Uniform was unveiled.  Consisting of head to toe animal fur with an extra 2 layers to wrap around manly midsections the Spartan King professed his confidence in the new uniforms.

“I tried on the uniform and can state for a fact that my testicles haven’t felt so warm since the time I slept with that Egyptian slave girl.”

In addition to protect from frequent rains all Spartan warriors will carry a backpack containing a yellow polyester rain coat.  When one senator objected that polyester hadn’t even been invented yet the King became enraged and shouted at him, “I take from you everything and leave you nothing” before kicking him in the chest causing the unlucky senator to fall backward into a giant pit. Onlookers gasped in horror as the senator, breaking all known laws of physics, fell to the bottom of the pit in slow motion.

Shortly after this the press conference broke up and the King announced his intention to return to Thermopylae with “warm hearts ready for battle and warm testicles protected by animal fur.”

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