The monster is destroying my love life!

Today I have the pleasure of interviewing a controversial figure in science: None other than Doctor Henry Frankenstein himself.

MI:  Good afternoon Doctor Frankenstein.

HF: Please. I am no longer a doctor. I had my license stripped after my creation ran amok.

MI: I’m sorry. So what are you doing now?

HF: I’m a chiropractor. I still get to use my medical skills but now mostly my patients are lonely, rich women who take their clothes off and let me touch them.

MI: I never realized chiropracting  sounded so much like prostitution.

HF: I can’t let my talents go to waste.

MI:I  see. So tell me why did you decide to unlock the secrets of life and death?

HF: Well I don’t need to tell you that competition for funding from the Department of Health and Human Services is steep. There was a long line of applicants in front of me. So I needed to do something flashy to get their attention.

MI: Hence the raising of the dead.

HF: Yes.  Once I sent the HHS an outline of my project the money started rolling in. I had a lot of electrical equipment to buy. And I had to hire an assistant. Fortunately Igor was undocumented so I was able to pay him less than market share.

MI: You needed a dead body. That must have been tricky finding one.

HF: You would think so but I just drove into the southside of Chicago on a Saturday night. I had more than enough dead bodies to choose from.

MI: What are some of the challenges involved in raising the dead.

HF: I had to buy a lot of ice. I mean a lot of ice.  The dead tend to bloat and explode so I had to keep the corpse from decomposing.

MI: Tell me about the moment you brought the dead body back to life. That must have been exhilarating.

HF: At first it was. I kept shouting “It’s alive, it’s moving, it’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, it’s alive, IT’S ALIVE!” 

MI: A magical moment.

HF: You would think so. But then I just got depressed. I had forgotten to charge up my iPhone so there was no documentation of the moment. I had no way of proving that I had reanimated this creature.

MI: Just an iPhone?  Didn’t you buy any other cameras? Television equipment?

HF: [Pause] I spent money budgeted towards that on hair gel.

Hair gel!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I know. Probably foolish but I like looking stylish. All the ladies are crazy about a sharp-dressed hair gelled up man.

MI:  Tough break. What’s next for you?

HF: I want a real challenge. I’m going to use my skills to create a working socialist system.

MI: Socialism has failed everywhere it’s been tried.

HF: That’s because the right people haven’t been in charge. I feel that with my technical skills I can truly create the world’s first fully functioning and successful socialist system.

MI: And how will you achieve that?

HF: I’ll have government control the means of production and tax the rich. I’m sure it’ll work.

MI:  I see.

HF: And I’ll buy lots of cameras this time to document it.  I might have to switch from an oil-based hair gel to an alcohol-based hair gel to afford those cameras but it’ll be worth it.

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

HF: Oh if you see Igor tell him to get his undocumented ass back in here or I’ll have Immigration and Customs Enforcement pick up his family.

Let this be a lesson to all my readers:  Forgo hair gel. You won’t be sorry.

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