Robert Pattinson Refuses to Masturbate; A Dog That Is!

I will not masturbate a dog on a plane. I will not masturbate a dog on a train







Hollywood heartthrob and former sparking vampire Robert Pattinson revealed on the Jimmy Kimmel show that he was asked to masturbate a dog on the set of his latest film, “Good Time.

“The director wanted me to do it” said Pattinson.

I had reservations. Then the trainer said “It’s fine. Just rub the inside of his thigh. I do it all the time. He likes it. He’ll lick your face.” But I still didn’t know. I mean I’m an actor but I have standards. If I wanted to do something sexually disgusting and flat out freaky I’d go back to dating Kristen Stewart.

Reaction in Hollywood to Pattinson’s non-masturbatory act was swift, with many accusing him of speciesism.

A spokesman for SAG-AFTRA condemned Pattinson and said his exclusionary behavior had no place in Hollywood.

If Pattinson wants to confine his masturbation to those who self-identify as human then he can do it on his own time, not when he’s making a movie and representing everything our business proudly stands for. We at SAG-AFTRA condemn his actions in no uncertain terms. We also wish to remind people that Pattinson’s actions do not represent us. Many actors would jump at the chance to redefine species boundaries by masturbating a dog.

Martin Sheen accused Pattinson of setting back the cause of civil rights by decades.

Today our actors are refusing to masturbate dogs. Tomorrow they will be refusing to do gay scenes. The day after that they will refuse to work with Negroes or Hispanics. This is a slippery slope back to the days of Jim Crow. This is what Donald Trump wants. Donald Trump will not divide us!

“Your right to a conscience ends when you walk onto a set” said Ed Asner.

Do you think I enjoyed masturbating Gavin MacLeod? Of course I did but that’s beside the point. I did it because I’m a professional actor and had to set an example.

The hashtag #masturbatethedog soon began trending on Twitter.

Pattinson quickly retreated behind the walls of his residence as pro-masturbating dog protesters picketed outside.

Congresswoman Maxine Waters of California called for an investigation into possible Russian collusion with Pattinson’s masturbation refusal.

“I am not proud to be an American today” said the brave congresswoman.

Robert Pattinson refusing to masturbate a dog reminds me of Bull Connor turning fire hoses on my people in the 1960s. Are we going to return to the days of segregation or are we going to masturbate our dogs? This has Russia written all over it. Putin and Trump want to destabilize America by keeping our dogs sexually frustrated.

Strangely enough this is not the first time an actor has refused to masturbate an animal. While making Spartacus Tony Curtis balked at having to pleasure Laurence Olivier. He later consented when the director said he could wear women’s clothing while doing so.

SAG-AFTRA has scheduled a disciplinary hearing for next week to determine if they have grounds for suspending Pattinson.


2 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    What if Rusty refused to pleasure Rin Tin Tin or Timmy told Lassie he had a headache? Chaos on the set as leg humping disrupted the filming!

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