Mount Crumpit Resident Shot by Whoville Police During Home Invasion!

A Police file photo of the perp

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Heavily-armed SWAT teams from the Whoville police department today shot and killed the Grinch after receiving multiple calls about home invasions on Christmas Eve.

“We took the perp out with extreme prejudice” said the SWAT commander.

The problem began when calls started coming into police headquarters about a green man who had a reindeer who may or may not have been a dog going from house to house stealing items.

Our intel said he was coming down the chimney all stealth-like.  After leaving the chimney he’d ransack the place. He took everything. Why he even took the roast beast! At least that’s what we were told. Naturally we could not let the law-abiding residents of Whoville suffer through terror like that. So we dispatched a SWAT team and told them to investigate and take out the perp. Not dead or alive. Just dead. Whoville has to know the police value their safety and we are willing to shoot into private residences to ensure it.

Whoville police had been on alert since reports came back of activity on Mount Crumpit.

Normally the Grinch doesn’t come down to town. He’s a solitary sort. In fact the last time he was in town he was eating at a diner and a kid threw a rock at him. The Grinch got so angry he had his reindeer, who may or may not be a dog, bite the kid in the ass. So naturally when we heard that he was planning a visit on Christmas Eve we were concerned about the possibility of violence. And violence is one thing we will not tolerate and we will shoot anybody to keep the town non-violent.

Police soon located the Grinch in the home of Cindy Lou Who, who was no more than two.

We used drones to drop some cameras into the house. What we saw disgusted us. Here was this violent anti-social man patting Cindy Lou who on the head. 

The Grinch disgusts us!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who knew where else he intended to pat her. We knew we had to act quickly and violently to restore order to the town. And save Cindy Lou Who too, who was no more than two.

The police then stormed the residence and ordered the Grinch to get on his knees with his hands behind his neck.

Tragically the Grinch did not follow police orders.

We gave him every chance. We kept screaming at him to back away from Cindy Lou Who, who was no more than two, and put his arms behind his head with his fingers interlocked. I mean we screamed at him. We threw percussion grenades at him. Our lasers were pointed at his head. Surely he must have understood our message?

But the Grinch, confused or perhaps high on drugs, did not comply.

That’s when he started yelling “Don’t shoot. My heart has grown three sizes!”  Well cardiomegaly, or an enlarged heart, is a serious medical condition and he has my sympathy but it’s no excuse for committing a crime. So we shot him. Repeatedly. Damn near cut him in two. We had to before he became violent.

As for Cindy Lou Who, who was no more than two, she was taken to police headquarters to be questioned.

“Show us on this doll where the bad Grinch touched you” detectives asked her.

(2)

North Pole Collective Bargaining Talks Stall Over Dental Insurance!

What do we want? Dental insurance! When do we want it? Now!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With Christmas just around the corner the possibility of labor peace fades as both sides admit negotiations are at a standstill.

“The fat jolly bastard is killing us” admits the elf foreman (pictured here).

No justice no peace!

All the elves want is an agreement that is fair to both sides. No one wants a labor war again. I was here for the last war. We lost good men on both sides. Management goons even broke into my brother’s hotel room on his wedding night and forced him to watch 12 hours of “The View.”  Poor guy hasn’t been able to sustain an erection since. It was brutal I tell you. So yeah no one wants war. But I’m not optimistic. He (Santa) won’t even talk to us until we agree to reduce our hours. He doesn’t want to pay us overtime! But we need the overtime to pay our bills. It’s expensive living in the North Pole since the gentrification.

Sources say the issue that divides the two parties the most is dental insurance.  Santa is refusing to offer any dental insurance while the elves, led by Hermey, a self-taught dental practitioner, insist on insurance and a dental office on factory premises.

“Why would the fat guy deny us this” said the elf foreman

There’s no reason whatsoever. He’s only doing it to flex his muscles and show us that he still has the power. I just don’t get management sometimes. We’re all human. Doesn’t that count as a common bond? Or am I assuming too much by calling management “human.”  It certainly doesn’t look like it sometimes. I’ve thought of killing Santa but elf not kill human. That’s our most sacred tenant.

Some elves are hoping that Mrs. Claus (pictured here)

Religion is the opioid of the masses!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

will intercede on their behalf.

She’s on our side. She sympathizes with us, not her husband. She only married him to protect herself. Living in a patriarchal paradigm women have to do what they can to survive. But she doesn’t even sleep in same bed with him. It’s just for appearances.  And I think she’s a communist. Once when I was starting my shift on the factory floor I said hello to her and she waved back and said, “Once we control the means of production the state will wither away.” You may say she’s a dreamer but she’s not the only one. I hope some day to join her and the world will live as one. But that’s just me. We’re not all socialists you know. Some of the elves are Catholic. I think they’re Catholic. I mean they are drunk all the time.

Still not all the elves are keen on more negotiations. Some prefer a more radical approach.

“I’m sneaking into the fat bastard’s bed room and drilling into his teeth” said Hermey.

“I have the tools, the will and the knowledge. I’ve seen Marathon Man 27 times. Laurence Olivier is my hero. I’m going to torture Santa until the motherf*cker gives us what we want!”

(7)

Jabba the Hutt Accused of Inappropriate Touching!

Chicks dig me

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reputed “vile gangster” Jabba the Hutt faces fresh scrutiny after being accused by Princess Leia of “unwanted contact of a sexual nature.”

This is not the first time Hutt has come under surveillance from the Empire’s security forces as he is rumored to be one of the most powerful crime bosses on Tattooine.  He has always escaped jail time due to his connections in high places. However due to the sensitive political climate the sexual harassment claims may be difficult for Hutt to escape.

Princess Leia states that Hutt forced her to wear a metal bikini, pose suggestively for him and submit to forced penetration of her orifices.

“I am a victim and the moral authority of my victimhood deserves to be believed” said the rebel princess.

I was trying to do anything that would get my boyfriend Hans Solo out of the carbonite Jabba had placed him in. I mean that was rough, seeing the man I loved like that. Really rough. On the bright side I didn’t have to put up with him always leaving the toilet seat up. But anyway I went to see Jabba, a vicious, brutal, ruthless smuggler and gangster and I asked him, “Mr. Hutt what can I do to get my boyfriend out of the carbonite? Hutt just laughed and asked me why I wanted him back since he always left the toilet seat up. Funny how he knew that. But I guess you don’t get to be a powerful crime lord without good intel. So I figured he’d ask for money. Instead he makes me wear a metal bikini and puts me on a leash. I could feel his slimy hands and tail all over me. It was disgusting. You know if I wanted to be felt up by a shady fat guy I’d date Val Kilmer.

a fat slimy reputed mobser

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I felt dirty. I felt abused. I felt disgusted. I felt his penis.

Just when Princess Leia thought the worst was over, Hutt began to harass her even more explicitly.

Hi took his penis out and started masturbating in front of me. At least I think he was pleasuring himself. His face looked like he just sucked on a lemon and he was moaning. I didn’t actually see his penis because he’s so fat. But the heavy breathing and funny face? He was masturbating. That’s the only explanation. Or he has asthma. Not that I have anything against people with asthma. As long as they don’t leave the toilet seat up like my carbonite boyfriend Hans Solo.

The former Desilijic-Hutt Cartel, now known as the Desilijic cartel, has announced that Hutt has been fired.

“At the Desilijic Cartel we strive to foster a safe working environment” said a cartel spokeman.

Just because you are being tortured or frozen in carbonite is no reason to put up with harassment. Accordingly we have terminated Mr. Hutt’s employment.

Jabba the Hutt seemed shocked by his termination.

“I mean I made so much money for them. Is this because I kept leaving the toilet seat up?”

(7)

Manhattan Infidel Presents: The Al Franken Resignation Watch™

I like ’em big and bouncy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Since the news broke that respected pro-abortion and pro-female senator Al Franken was resigning from the Senate for totally false charges brought about by alt-right nationalists, we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have been on the case. We will leave no stone unturned bringing you every detail of this important story.

Day 1, Thursday December 7th, 2017. A Date Which Will Live in Infamy

After weeks of rumors Al Franken, for the good of the female race, fell on his sword and resigned. Well, he announced he would resign sometime in the upcoming weeks.

Day 2, Friday December 8th, 2017, A Date That While Not Quite Living in Infamy Had Lots of Shit

I woke up that morning wondering how I would live in a world where the Lion of the Senate Al Franken, did not take defend our liberties. I checked my phone to see if Franken had resigned. Unfortunately no news. All I found were links to porn sites. I don’t know how this keeps happening to me. Seriously. I deleted all the porn links. Except for the good ones.

Day 3, Saturday December 9th, 2017, A Date That, Well, Was Pretty Uneventful

The weekend had arrived. Would Franken resign? I turned on CNN to get the truth. Well, first I had to remove my copy of Lesbian Guidance Counselor, Volume 1 from the DVD player. No news on Franken resigning. How long will he keep us in suspense?

Day 4, Sunday December 10, 2017, A Date Which Will Live in Infamy But Only Because Eli Manning Was Benched

Sunday morning. I woke up. Went to the bathroom. Then went back to sleep. Nothing that can’t wait until the afternoon when the Giants played. Then I remembered that Ben McAdoo had benched Eli Manning. Incensed I turned on the TV. But first I had to remove my copy of Lesbian Guidance Counselor, Volume II from the DVD player. No news on Franken. Geno Smith?  Seriously?  You’re starting Geno Smith?  The man who was fired by the Jets after one of his own players broke his jaw? I’m outraged. Outraged I tell you. Giants lose. I turn back to CNN to see if they have any comment on the Eli Manning benching. Nothing. Most trusted name in news my ass. Anyway what was I talking about? Oh yes. Al Franken. I should get news on whether he had resigned yet. But by 11 pm I had already drank 10 beers and ate two large cheese pizzas and was feeling pretty gassy. It will have to wait until tomorrow.

Day 5, Monday December 11, 2017, A Date Which Will Also Live in Infamy, But Only Because I Hate Mondays

Monday morning. I promised my readers I would stay atop the Al Franken resignation story. However I also had a really bad hangover. And what was with the dead prostitute in my bed? That’s a lot of blood. Naturally I have no memory of this event and I am horrified by these allegations. But at least I’m not stupid enough to have a photo of me taken fondling a sleeping woman’s breasts.

Mmm. Meaty big and bouncy

 

 

 

 

 

 

I mean come on Al.  Even I know that might come back to bite me in the ass.  Speaking of biting on the ass did the prostitute object to my rough horseplay? Is that why I killed her? I mean allegedly killed her.  Anyway what was I supposed to be doing? Oh yes, following the important Al Franken story.

I’m on it people. But first I have to clean up the bedroom. You know those pesky CSI people and their blue spectral thingys. They can find biologicals.

(7)

Pepe Le Pew Accused of Inappropriate Sexual Behavior!

I am ze locksmith of suck it baby

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

French skunk Pepe Le Pew, long noted for his amorous intentions towards the weaker sex, has been accused by several females of aggressive conduct of a sexual nature and “creating an unsafe, toxic environment.”

One cat’s story is typical.

“He saw me on the street and wouldn’t leave me alone” she said.

He kept following me, trying to embrace me. I kept telling him I just wasn’t interested but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. At one point he grabbed me and tried to stick his tongue down my throat. “We shall make ze beautiful music together, no?” he said while slobbering all over me. Beautiful music together? I think not. My boyfriend is Muslim and wanted to behead him but I said just let it go. I still feel traumatized.

Another cat tells of a disturbing hotel encounter involving Mr. Le Pew.

I’m a very sexy cat if I may say so myself. I work the shows. That’s where I met Pepe. He told me he had contacts in Hollywood that would help my career and if I would come over to his hotel room later to talk about it. Sure why not? Hollywood! So I went to his room and he opened it wearing just a bathrobe that was open. I could see his malodorous skunk junk. Then he starts to rub up against me. “Just be cool and do what I say” he says. “Or you won’t meet George Clooney.” I tried to pull away and ran into the hall. He followed me and said “Come back inside baby. Don’t stand here in the hallway like this. You’re embarrassing me.” He tried to pull me back inside his room. I ran out of the hotel. To this day I don’t feel safe anymore. I’ve stopped being a runway model cat and do nothing but stay at home eating ice cream. It’s all Pepe’s fault!

Despite these allegations Pepe maintains that every encounter is consensual.

I am ze locksmith of love. All ze ladies love to have me. I am a very loving skunk and just want to make ze ladies feel important. I just want to give love to all the ladies I meet. 

He also blamed the misunderstanding on cultural differences between France and the United States.

You Americans are so puritanical and are afraid of sex. In Paris we think nothing of grabbing women in the street and sticking our tongues down their throats. Unless they’re Muslim of course. Those people are crazy!  But here in America it’s a big deal. In France I am known as ze locksmith of unwanted oral penetration. I guess you Americans are just not as sophisticated as we are in Europe. 

Pending the completion of any police investigation into Pepe’s actions his passport has been confiscated.

“I should have stayed in France. Sure I might have been run over or blown up by Muslims but at least I’d get some action first.”

(19)

Yosemite Sam Charged With Lying to FBI!

I hate rabbits

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After a thorough investigation by Special Counsel Robert Mueller, Yosemite Sam was charged today with lying to the FBI.

“We asked him point blank if he hated rabbits” said a member of the Special Counsel.

We know he hates rabbits. He won’t admit to it because if he admitted it that would be a hate crime. But not admitting to it would be lying to the FBI. So we had him either way.Naturally we preferred to get him for lying to the FBI, since that is a far greater crime and we could use it to squeeze President Trump. So when he said he had no problem with rabbits we charged his ass immediately. After all we have witnesses that said he called Bugs Bunny a fur-bearing varmint and that he was going to use force against him.

Many have speculated that if President Trump had ordered Yosemite to lie about his hatred of rabbits this could spell the end of Trump’s presidency and the beginning of impeachment proceedings.

“We are building an obstruction of justice case against Trump” said Dianne Feinstein (D-CA).

Everybody knows Trump asked Comey to go easy on Yosemite Sam. Now why would he ask that unless he knew we had the goods on Sam and it would damage Trump politically? He was asking Comey to drop the investigation into Yosemite’s hate crimes. That’s obviously obstruction of justice. I hope Yosemite goes to jail for a long, long time. His kind disgusts me. His love of guns, his toxic patriarchy, his meat-eating. His meat-eating of rabbits. If we can use him to get to Trump, who is the greater threat to our way of life, then so be it.

If convicted of lying to the FBI about his hatred of rabbits Yosemite Sam faces up to 12 years in jail and a fine of $100,000.

Many are speculating that now that he’s been charged, it’s only a matter of time before Yosemite turns on Trump and offers Mueller everything he wants to know.

“Yosemite now has the full weight of the United States government on him” said an FBI source.

And we’re going to do what the United States government does best. Crush private citizens like bugs. For the good of the State. I mean we don’t do this because we enjoy it. Well we do but that’s just secondary. And once Yosemite is crushed and whimpering he’ll give us all the information we need to know. Who cares if what he tells us about Trump is true or not. As long as we can use it to get Trump. Look I know lying to the FBI is a crime, but it’s not a crime to lie to the FBI when the lie is what we want to hear. Then it’s truth. Or something.

Las Vegas has current odds of 7-3 that Trump will be impeached on Yosemite’s testimony.

(15)

Manhattan Infidel Presents: A Washington DC Guide to Sexual Harassment

Sexual harassment is a serious issue especially when it’s not consensual

 

 

 

 

 

 

With the Sexual Harassment Apocalypse™ upon us we here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have been busy trying to cover this crisis from every angle. So using my contacts in DC eating potato chips on the couch and drinking beer I have been lucky enough to acquire make up the Official Capitol Hill Guide to Sexual Harassment

Greetings Senators and Congressmen and welcome to Capitol Hill. Being in the corridor of power many women will try to sleep with you. Many hot young women in their 20s. In a perfect world (please may socialism cone to the United States!) all these encounters would be consensual. However that is not the case. How can you tell if it’s harassment?  Just follow this handy guide.

I have a hot young intern. I want to sleep with her but she’s not into me.  What can I do?

  • Invite her to your place and excuse yourself to take a shower.  Come out of the shower naked.  Since she didn’t bring her car (you were smart enough to have her take a train and picked her up at the station) she will have no choice but to consent.

Wow. That’s good advice.  Who knew it was so simple? But what do I do with her after I have sex?  She’s now a security risk.

  • You worry too much.  Is her family prominent and politically connected? If so then promote her.

So if she’s politically connected I should promote her?

  • Yes. But after only oral penetration.

Wait. Why?

  • Oral penetration is not harassment. In fact it’s the duty of every women to perform oral sex on a senator or congressman.

But won’t I get a bad reputation?

  • You’ve spent your entire career on Capitol Hill defending female reproductive freedom. Nothing you can do will give you a bad reputation.

That’s good to know. So as long as I publicly support women’s rights I will get a pass for my private behavior towards women?

  • Grope away. Grope away. Fondle. Touch. Your hands will be the hands of equality upon her body.

So far you’ve only mentioned oral sex. What if I want to stick my penis of equality in her warm, inviting vagina?

  • Don’t go there. Your interns are politically connected. You have plenty of chances to stick your penis of equality in waitresses at any of our fine DC establishments.

I hadn’t thought of that. I can stick my penis of equality in a waitress?

  • Yes. Waitresses are lower middle class and not politically connected. If she goes to the press who are they going to believe?  A deplorable or a man with a penis of female rights?

So I shouldn’t worry about harassment then?

  • Only if you’re a Republican. Republicans oppose female reproductive freedom. Their penises are not the penises of equality. They have not gained the right to sleep with lower middle class waitresses.

Republicans are bad people!

  • They do not belong to the aristocracy of America like we Democrats do.

I like these rules.

  • Being a member of the nobility comes with privileges.

There you have it. A real, official document on sexual harassment. One not made up by me.

(4)

John Adams Accused of Sexual Misconduct!

I really like your peaches want to shake your tree

 

 

 

 

 

 

Federalists are in disarray today after it was revealed that President John Adams has been accused of sexual misconduct by a Washington socialite.

“What do you expect from Federalists” said Republican Thomas Jefferson, who is running against Adams in the 1800 presidential election.

Federalists are hypocrites. All of them. They claim to be the party of law and order and family values but here we have the president, the face of the Federalist party, accused of serial sexual misconduct. You won’t see me doing that. With free white woman anyway.

The controversial and deeply unpopular Federalist, currently embroiled in a possible war with France, has portrayed himself as a happily married family man. Indeed Adam’s campaign slogan is “Vote for the happily married family man. Not the guy who sleeps with his slaves.”

With the allegations however, many in the Federalist party are calling for Adams to step down in favor of Alexander Hamilton.

“It is time the fat, short bald guy stepped down” said Hamilton.

He’s a low Federalist. You know. A FINO. Federalist in name only. I am a High Federalist. Only I represent the true values of the Federalist party. Only I can bring the Federalist party into the 19th century. You know someday somebody may write a musical about me in a new form called Hip Hop. Can anyone say that about Adams?  I don’t think so.

Jefferson has asked for Adams to step down, though many feel it is only because Jefferson feels he has a better chance to beat Hamilton.

“He’s from New York and represents Wall Street” said Adams.

Does the United States really want a president who represents moneyed interests? A rich man?  At a certain point you’ve made enough money. No. Hamilton is bad for America and for rural America. Aaron Burr wants to shoot him. And while I oppose gun violence and if I become president I will call for gun confiscation, I have to admit the idea of shooting Hamilton is an appealing one.

As for President Adams he denies allegations of sexual misconduct.

“How the hell am I supposed to touch their hind quarters anyway” said the fat, short, bald president.

They wear these long skirts. And all the layers. Come on. Sexual misconduct?  I can’t even get their clothes off without getting winded. I really should work out more. Maybe a makeover. Shave my head. Learn this Hip Hop Hamilton keeps going on and on about.

“Besides Abigail is enough for me. She does this thing with her tongue. Said she learned it from Martha Washington.”

(6)

Religious Fanatic Urges Violence!

Kill! Kill! Kill!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Obi-Wan Kenobi, aka “Ben” Kenobi, hermit from Tatooine has been outed as the person responsible for the destruction of the Empire’s Death Star along with everyone on board.

“I’m just a moisture farmer” said Kenobi’s platonic male companion, the much younger and blonder Luke Skywalker.

What do I know about empire politics or geopolitical concerns or military tactics. I don’t want war. It’s bad for business. But then Ben showed up. He took me under his wing, showed me things a poor moisture farmer never thought he’d experience. When I met him and told him I was a moisture farmer he didn’t even blink an eye and said, “I have lube.” I guess it was his way of saying that he would help me get moist. I think. But then he started to talk religion and how I was fated to bring about the destruction of the Empire. Hey look I’m all for a little extra moisture now and then if he pays my bills but all this religion?  Don’t get me wrong. Whatever floats your boat but it just seems these religious folks are really into war and violence. And moisture.

Feeling loyal to Obi since he paid all Skywalker’s bills, Luke soon found himself on board the so-called Death Star (in reality a defensive star).

So here we are on this so-called Death Star and me and my droids are trapped in some sort of garbage bin and something grabs me from below. I’m thinking “Yeah I know Obi, my much older and wealthier and generous with his money male companion said this was my destiny but come on!” And then the walls started closing in on me. No I don’t mean psychologically. I mean literally. I know Obi pays all my bills and buys me clothes but this was getting ridiculous.

It was when Obi, a religious figure, started talking about a holy war that Luke decided he wanted out of the totally platonic relationship.

He kept saying he had to fight his former apprentice. Who the hell is this guy? Donald Trump?  But anyway eventually he gets into a fight with this dude in a black metal suit. That’s right a black metal suit. Not a green metal suit like in the song Rock Show by Paul McCartney and Wings. What? I can’t like Paul McCartney? Anyway the dude in the black metal suit kills Obi. He kills him! And I’m all like, “Dude there goes the sugar daddy in this totally platonic relationship.”  You know for a religious guy he certainly liked to fight. Sucked at it. But liked to fight.

After Obi’s death Luke figured he owed it to his deceased mentor to take out the Death Star.

I mean he did pay all my bills and help me with moisture. And that’s a good thing in a totally platonic relationship. So I went back and took out the Death Star. Killed thousands.  Probably shouldn’t have done that. Now I’m being sued by the families of the people I killed.

To add to the guilt Skywalker feels over destroying the Death Star he is still being haunted by his dead benefactor.

“I was in bed with this chick and I see the old coot standing over me saying ‘Trust your feelings’ and ‘Use the force.’  How’s a fella supposed to perform when a dead old man is watching you? My johnson shriveled up if you know what I mean.”

(3)

The Retractions of Brian Ross™

I may be in error

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To err is human. To err consistently for high pay is a hallmark of the Mainstream Media. Still, no one has made a career out of “erroring” as much as Brian Ross of ABC News who found himself suspended for four weeks after announcing that Trump directed Michael Flynn to contact Russia during the campaign.

And so without further adieu I now present the Retractions of Brian Ross™.

The Assassination of JFK

I reported earlier today that the gunmen who murdered our Democratic president was an alt-right nationalist teabagger who believes in the so-called Constitution. I regret the error. What I meant to way was the shooter was born in New Orleans and owned slaves.

The Landing on the Moon

I’d like to retract my earlier report where I said that the Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were captured by Moon monsters and eaten slowly, all the while screaming for mercy. I was mistaken. Turns out it was just a spider on my television.

Chappaquiddick 

I reported earlier today that Senator Ted Kennedy drove his car off a bridge, killed a woman and waited ten hours to report the incident. This was wrong. No one will know for sure the events of that night but we know that Mary Jo Kopechne was alone in the car and she drove off the bridge on purpose and drowned herself because she was a Republican and wanted to destroy the career of the last Kennedy brother.

Richard Nixon’s Resignation

I’d like to clarify something. I said earlier that President Nixon resigned because of Watergate. What I meant to say was that Nixon resigned because, as a Republican, he has no soul. This is a scientific fact, just like immunizations cause autism and Laurel and Hardy were robots. Gay robots. Gay robots with a leather fetish.

The Attempted Assassination of Ronald Reagan

I reported earlier today that President Reagan was shot by John Hinckley. What I meant to say was that a righteous nation rose up in anger and tried to kill Reagan, who certainly deserves to dieAlso John Hinckley may be a gay robot with a leather fetish.

9/11

I would like to apologize for my earlier report stating that Muslims flew planes into the World Trade Center. I feel deep shame for libeling the Religion of Peace™. The fog of war sometimes leads to inaccurate reports. But I now feel confident in reporting that gay robots with leather fetishes flew the planes into the North and South towers. These gay robots with leather fetishes were also Christian. And Republican. And white. Yes, they were gay, white, Christian robots with leather fetishes.

The Columbia Space Shuttle Disaster

I was in error when I reported that the shuttle disintegrated during re-entry. The world is flat and flight is a physical impossibility. Also gay robots are everywhere. That explains why I cannot find any good leather sex toys. The robots have them.

Russian Collusion in the 2016 Election

I reported earlier that there is definitive proof that Putin collaborated with Trump to throw the election in Trump’s favor. While this is technically true I neglected to mention that I have proof that Putin is a robot. I don’t know if he’s gay. I do know he likes leather. In fact we should stop reporting on this and cover the most important story on the century: The existence of gay robots with leather fetishes and how they are attempting to take over the Earth.

And those are just some of his clarifications. Trust the MSM. We are in good hands people.

(10)