Heavily-armed SWAT teams from the Whoville police department today shot and killed the Grinch after receiving multiple calls about home invasions on Christmas Eve.
“We took the perp out with extreme prejudice” said the SWAT commander.
The problem began when calls started coming into police headquarters about a green man who had a reindeer who may or may not have been a dog going from house to house stealing items.
Our intel said he was coming down the chimney all stealth-like. After leaving the chimney he’d ransack the place. He took everything. Why he even took the roast beast! At least that’s what we were told. Naturally we could not let the law-abiding residents of Whoville suffer through terror like that. So we dispatched a SWAT team and told them to investigate and take out the perp. Not dead or alive. Just dead. Whoville has to know the police value their safety and we are willing to shoot into private residences to ensure it.
Whoville police had been on alert since reports came back of activity on Mount Crumpit.
Normally the Grinch doesn’t come down to town. He’s a solitary sort. In fact the last time he was in town he was eating at a diner and a kid threw a rock at him. The Grinch got so angry he had his reindeer, who may or may not be a dog, bite the kid in the ass. So naturally when we heard that he was planning a visit on Christmas Eve we were concerned about the possibility of violence. And violence is one thing we will not tolerate and we will shoot anybody to keep the town non-violent.
Police soon located the Grinch in the home of Cindy Lou Who, who was no more than two.
We used drones to drop some cameras into the house. What we saw disgusted us. Here was this violent anti-social man patting Cindy Lou who on the head.
Who knew where else he intended to pat her. We knew we had to act quickly and violently to restore order to the town. And save Cindy Lou Who too, who was no more than two.
The police then stormed the residence and ordered the Grinch to get on his knees with his hands behind his neck.
Tragically the Grinch did not follow police orders.
We gave him every chance. We kept screaming at him to back away from Cindy Lou Who, who was no more than two, and put his arms behind his head with his fingers interlocked. I mean we screamed at him. We threw percussion grenades at him. Our lasers were pointed at his head. Surely he must have understood our message?
But the Grinch, confused or perhaps high on drugs, did not comply.
That’s when he started yelling “Don’t shoot. My heart has grown three sizes!” Well cardiomegaly, or an enlarged heart, is a serious medical condition and he has my sympathy but it’s no excuse for committing a crime. So we shot him. Repeatedly. Damn near cut him in two. We had to before he became violent.
As for Cindy Lou Who, who was no more than two, she was taken to police headquarters to be questioned.
“Show us on this doll where the bad Grinch touched you” detectives asked her.