Charlie Brown Elopes with Teacher!

I am a sexual dynamo!









Local resident Charlie Brown was missing from school today. So was his teacher. It turns out they had eloped together.

“This town is going to hell” said one distraught adult.

I mean what the hell is wrong with the parents? Is there something in the water? We got kids starting religions involving pumpkins. We got kids who think they’re Beethoven. We even have two child lesbians. And we have a dog who believes he’s a WWI flying ace. Come on. Am I the only one who thinks something is wrong? And now Charlie Brown, whose testicles haven’t even descended yet, is marrying his teacher. Are all the kids possessed? Is this the Village of the Damned?

Sources say that there have been rumors about Brown and his teacher for months.

“He used to come into my shop to buy bubble gum” said a local proprietor.

And we’d talk. Normal stuff. Then one day he mentioned he was in love with his teacher. How sweet I thought. An innocent boyhood crush. I figured it was because she was warm and maternal and reminded him of his mother. That’s when he called me an idiot and said “It’s all about her tits and ass.” To say I was taken aback is an understatement. I know kids nowadays are more knowledgeable about sex but the language! I blame MTV!

Brown also told a friend that he liked his teacher’s “sexy mouth.”

He said that it turned him on how his teacher’s voice sounded like a trombone and that every time she opened her mouth he felt like “rubbing one out.” Now I’m only ten but I’m pretty sure rubbing one out doesn’t involve erasing the chalkboard. I think. Though now that he mentioned it her trombone voice does get me excited. I think I’ll rub one out. I’ll ask my parents if I can do that.

Music stores are reporting a run on trombones.

“I can’t keep them stocked anymore” said one owner.

I got kids coming into my store every day asking me for the “sex sounding instrument.”  At first I thought they meant the guitar. But they told me they wanted trombones. I’ve never thought of a trombone as sexy. Then one kid told me the sound of a trombone makes him want to “rub one out.” I tell you I’ve been sober for five years but I may start drinking again. The kid also called me a weird nerd because I was wearing an argyle sweater. Well you know the younger generation. If you’re not wearing hoodies and listening to Chance the Rapper you’re useless.


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The Army has announced that they intend to cordon off Charlie Brown’s hometown, remove the kids to a secure government facility to be studied, wipe the parents’ memories and burn the town to the ground.

“Trombone fever. Seen it before in the Congo. There’s no cure and it spreads like wildfire” said a general on the scene.


2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    Village of the Damned.

    OMG. The Diocese of London.

    Is there no respite?

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