Obi-Wan Kenobi, aka “Ben” Kenobi, hermit from Tatooine has been outed as the person responsible for the destruction of the Empire’s Death Star along with everyone on board.
“I’m just a moisture farmer” said Kenobi’s platonic male companion, the much younger and blonder Luke Skywalker.
What do I know about empire politics or geopolitical concerns or military tactics. I don’t want war. It’s bad for business. But then Ben showed up. He took me under his wing, showed me things a poor moisture farmer never thought he’d experience. When I met him and told him I was a moisture farmer he didn’t even blink an eye and said, “I have lube.” I guess it was his way of saying that he would help me get moist. I think. But then he started to talk religion and how I was fated to bring about the destruction of the Empire. Hey look I’m all for a little extra moisture now and then if he pays my bills but all this religion? Don’t get me wrong. Whatever floats your boat but it just seems these religious folks are really into war and violence. And moisture.
Feeling loyal to Obi since he paid all Skywalker’s bills, Luke soon found himself on board the so-called Death Star (in reality a defensive star).
So here we are on this so-called Death Star and me and my droids are trapped in some sort of garbage bin and something grabs me from below. I’m thinking “Yeah I know Obi, my much older and wealthier and generous with his money male companion said this was my destiny but come on!” And then the walls started closing in on me. No I don’t mean psychologically. I mean literally. I know Obi pays all my bills and buys me clothes but this was getting ridiculous.
It was when Obi, a religious figure, started talking about a holy war that Luke decided he wanted out of the totally platonic relationship.
He kept saying he had to fight his former apprentice. Who the hell is this guy? Donald Trump? But anyway eventually he gets into a fight with this dude in a black metal suit. That’s right a black metal suit. Not a green metal suit like in the song Rock Show by Paul McCartney and Wings. What? I can’t like Paul McCartney? Anyway the dude in the black metal suit kills Obi. He kills him! And I’m all like, “Dude there goes the sugar daddy in this totally platonic relationship.” You know for a religious guy he certainly liked to fight. Sucked at it. But liked to fight.
After Obi’s death Luke figured he owed it to his deceased mentor to take out the Death Star.
I mean he did pay all my bills and help me with moisture. And that’s a good thing in a totally platonic relationship. So I went back and took out the Death Star. Killed thousands. Probably shouldn’t have done that. Now I’m being sued by the families of the people I killed.
To add to the guilt Skywalker feels over destroying the Death Star he is still being haunted by his dead benefactor.
“I was in bed with this chick and I see the old coot standing over me saying ‘Trust your feelings’ and ‘Use the force.’ How’s a fella supposed to perform when a dead old man is watching you? My johnson shriveled up if you know what I mean.”