Christmas Canceled as Santa’s Sleigh Collides with Flock of Migrating Canadian Geese

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Ho ho ho…..what the hell! Geese!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tragedy struck today as Santa, out on a test run for Christmas, collided with a flock of Canadian geese over upstate New York. Santa, his sleigh and the reindeer were last seen plummeting to the Earth in a ball of fire.

“This is a sad day for us all at the North Pole” said a spokesman for Santa.

Santa loved his job. He loved bring toys to all the boys and girls in the world. Except Sweden. Last year when he was in Sweden a gang of Muslims tried to rape him. But I digress. Santa loved his job. That’s why he was out on a test run. He wanted to make sure the GPS on his sleigh was working properly. I apologize to all the boys and girls who will not be getting presents this year. We at the North Pole hope to recover from this tragedy and be back next year.

Officials at the National Transportation Safety Board have sent a team of investigators to the snowy wastes of upstate New York to locate Santa’s black box, which hopefully could provide clues to the tragedy. Specifically the NTSB wants to know the following:

  • Was Santa’s engine functioning properly?
  • Why did Rudolph’s red nose not see the geese before it was too late?
  • Why didn’t the other reindeer, who feed on Canadian geese, eat them before the birds flew into Santa’s jet engines?
  • Was Santa flying safely?
  • Why was Santa’s sleigh losing altitude at the time of the crash?

“While Santa was an experienced flyer who was certified on instruments, even an experienced flyer can make mistakes” according to an NTSB official.

He might have become become disoriented. So we want to rule out pilot error. Secondly his new sleigh was experimental, had many new controls he was not familiar with and might not have been fully compatible with his reindeer. This might have caused the sleigh to stall because his nose was higher than the tail. Just speculating here. But there are many things that could have gone wrong. That’s why we need the black box.

Finding the black box might be difficult, however.

We can hear it pinging but the exact location is not known to us. Have you ever been to upstate New York?  Damn thing’s probably buried under 20 feet of snow. I’m glad I’m not part of the recovery team. The last time I was in the vast, frozen expanses of upstate New York I lost a toe from frostbite. I did pick up some good office supplies at a Wegmans though so the trip wasn’t a complete waste.

While the black box has of yet not been located debris has been found including a red nose, several antlers, a hoof and what appears to be the front seat from Santa’s sleigh.

We also found a mostly intact human torso, a scalp and one ear. We don’t know who they belong to. Could be Santa’s. Or a as of yet unidentified upstate New York murder victim. You know how those upstate New Yorkers are. The cold drives them crazy.

While it is to late to hire a replacement officials at the North Pole promise to have one for next Christmas.

“Already we’ve gotten feelers from Matt Lauer and Pete Best. Both of them are looking for work.”

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2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    Merry Christmas!

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