Santa Fined by EPA!

An example of an environmental crime








After an almost year-long investigation Santa Claus has been found guilty of damaging the environment and fined an undisclosed amount by the Environmental Protection Agency.

“We found evidence that Santa encouraged people to hang stockings by the chimney with care” said an EPA official.

What sort of science-denying deplorable encourages people to use fireplaces?  Hasn’t Santa ever heard of global warming? We also received evidence that Santa was leaving coal in stockings of boys and girls who “were bad.”  Now this may be outside the purview of the EPA but what is good and what is bad? Does Santa have any right to judge the objective goodness of children? But we’ll pass that by for now. It was the coal that really got to us. He was leaving coal in stockings. Now coal is something we know is evil. The mining of coal leads to rape of our environment. The use of coal leads to pollution.  The distribution of coal leads to a younger generation using it when in fact we should be suppressing coal like we suppressed cigarettes and religion. The Constitution gives us the power to do this.

Santa denies doing anything to damage the environment and states that hanging stockings by the fire with care and leaving lumps of coal for bad boys and girls are worthwhile traditions that should continue.

“Why is the EPA after me?” said Santa.

It’s bad enough my corporate tax rate is too high and the elves have unionized but now I’m being fined? For what? Hanging stockings over the fire is a beautiful thing. Who doesn’t have an image in their heads of their childhood and seeing the warm glow of a fire and stockings that one could anticipate would be filled with toys, Assuming the kids were good that is. Sure I could ask families to hang their stockings somewhere else but it’s a question of aesthetics. And the EPA better lay off about the coal. The toys I hand out are not just gifts. They are rewards. Rewards for good behavior. I have a responsibility, the parents have a responsibility, society has a responsibility to develop good boys and girls who will be moral and follow rules. Anything else is chaos. Or Detroit. Granted chaos and Detroit or any Democratic-held inner city are pretty much the same thing. And if kids get coal hopefully it will make them reflect upon their behavior and strive to be better next year. Look I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but sometimes you have to discipline the little shits.

Despite Santa’s pleas the EPA insists its decision is the correct one.

Santa will just have to adjust. We live in a new world. A world where wind farms bring clean, renewable energy. Now no one is expecting Santa to start leaving wind farms in stockings but I’m sure he’ll figure something out.

And figuring something out is apparently just what Santa has done.

“I have to put something in the stockings of bad boys and girls. Something that will make them cry and fill them with a sense of shame. So I’m going to start leaving them a CD of Creed’s greatest hits. That should do the trick.”


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