Browsing the blog archives for July, 2015
Captain America, real name Steve Rogers, has been killed in Iraq by ISIS insurgents, tragically ending the Muslim Outreach program promoted by Secretary of State John Kerry. “After the Iran Deal Kerry decided to send an American over to Iraq to represent a softer, gentler, more inclusive America” said a colleague of Captain America who wishes […]
With Boston pulling out as a candidate to host the 2024 summer Olympics the honor of hosting the event has fallen upon the City of Detroit. With Detroit’s mayor Mike Duggan by his side, the International Olympic Committee president Thomas Bach explained the organization’s decision. “The IOC has always stood for one thing” said Bach. […]
You know what they say about peoples of color? They are all reliably socialist and Democratic. This makes them morally superior to the White man. Except for Cubans who vote Republican. Today it is part six (that’s seis in Espanol, the peace loving future language of America) of my series 2017 Inaugural addresses. This time […]
Controversial Super Hero the Incredible Hulk has inked a seven figure endorsement deal with Haggar Slacks. “Hulk smash! And Hulk look smashing in Haggar slacks” declared the Hulk at the press conference announcing the deal. With the Hulk by his side, Haggar CEO Michael Stiff announced that the Hulk will become the face of Haggar. “Haggar […]
Planned Parenthood has opened up a flagship restaurant in New York City that it hopes will be the first of many for the organization. “This is a great day for our organization. This is a great day for women” declared the organization’s president, Cecile Richards. Our organization has provided reproductive health services for women for […]
The home association of the 300 block of Elm Street has asked Aquaman to leave their neighborhood as soon as possible. They have also sought an injunction to stop the marine superhero from swimming in their pools. “Look none of us are racist” said the Association president. But Aquaman is, well, different than the rest […]
You know what they say about the number five? All good things come in fives. Actually that’s just stupid. No one has ever said that. Ever. However it is time for the fifth installment of my 2017 presidential inaugural addresses series. This time it’s Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Or, as I like to call him: History’s […]
Warren Wilhelm Jr., the freakishly tall, massively unpopular mayor of New York City, traveled to Rome this week to address the number one threat facing New Yorkers: squeegee men rising crime rates lack of affordable housing high taxes global warming climate change. Addressing assembled governors and mayors from around the world, Wilhelm Jr. talked about how he […]
Once again the scourge of gun violence has stricken America. The nation reeled after an attack at a military recruiting station in Chattanooga, Tennessee left five dead. Having had a couple days to reflect upon the events and not wishing to engage in a rush to judgment I now present the Chattanooga Shooting Motives Template.™ […]
“I’m insulted!” ~ Robinson Cano On a blazingly hot 97 degree day in the Bronx caused by global warming climate change f*cking summer the Yankees battled the Seattle Mariners to a 2-1 victory. It was CC Sabathia (4-8 5.25) against Constitutional Monarch Felix Hernandez (11-5 2.77). It was the pitchers’ duel I had hoped for. […]