Captain America Killed by ISIS!

Captain America should not glory in being American but be more sensitive to the feelings of Muslims

Captain America should not glory in being American but be more sensitive to the feelings of Muslims

Captain America, real name Steve Rogers, has been killed in Iraq by ISIS insurgents, tragically ending the Muslim Outreach program promoted by Secretary of State John Kerry.

“After the Iran Deal Kerry decided to send an American over to Iraq to represent a softer, gentler, more inclusive America” said a colleague of Captain America who wishes to remain anonymous.

So they asked Captain America if he would go.  Which is fine in and of itself but they attached these stupid conditions.  They told Steve that he couldn’t call himself Captain America as it may offend Muslim sensibilities.  They suggested he call himself Captain North American Continent or Captain All Cultures are Equal. Frankly both names sucked the big dickwad.  But Steve is a patriot and he told me that if his government needed him he’d do it.  

After the name change Kerry and the State Department decided to work on his costume as well.

They thought the costume was too, well, American. So they had Steve change into khakis, and a windbreaker.  He looked like a damn accountant.

But the final straw is when the told Captain America that he could not bring his shield to Iraq.

Kerry and company thought that the shield sent the wrong message.  They were worried that ISIS would think that Americans were always armed and dangerous. And they wanted ISIS to know that we are their friend.  I’m not joking. Those were Kerry’s exact words.  Me personally at this point would have told them to shove it and gone out drinking with the rest of the Avengers.  But like I said Steve was a patriot.  He was nervous naturally.  He told me he didn’t like leaving his shield behind, “I don’t know. Iraq man, it’s almost as dangerous as Chicago.”  But he went anyway.  

Upon arriving in Iraq Captain America was driven into ISIS-held territory under a flag of truce.

“We dropped him off at the first town we came to and got the hell out of there” said the sergeant who drove him.

As we turned the jeep around he waved at us and said, “Don’t worry fellas.  I’m unarmed and have no symbols of arrogant American triumphalism on me.  What could go wrong?”  

That was the last anyone from the west saw Steve Rogers.

Shortly thereafter ISIS began to get reports of an unarmed American wandering around and asking where he could “meet some ISIS guys for tea and friendship.”

Suspected of being a spy for Washington, the unarmed yet snappily dressed Rogers was captured shortly thereafter and driven to an ISIS base where he was tortured for days.

Having gotten no useful information from him Rogers had his hands cut off and was then thrown off a rooftop.

Upon hearing of his death, Secretary Kerry said, “He must have done something to anger the Muslims.  I bet he was triumphalist.  I knew I should have sent James Taylor.”

Kerry also defended his decision to send Rogers without his shield.

“Isn’t there already too much shield violence?”

He then called on the United Nations to ban shields.

There are currently no plans to retrieve Rogers body.


2 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    Speaking from the ISIS consulate in New York City’s Tombs the blind sheik issued the following disclaimer: Your poor little Stevie was treated no different than Muslim women who bare their ankles in public so stop whining America.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      Captain America’s death is his own fault for exporting arrogant American values to a peace loving culture of color.

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