Mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. is concerned about sea levels

Warren Wilhelm Jr., the freakishly tall, massively unpopular mayor of New York City, traveled to Rome this week to address the number one threat facing New Yorkers:  squeegee men rising crime rates lack of affordable housing high taxes  global warming climate change.

Addressing assembled governors and mayors from around the world, Wilhelm Jr. talked about how he would stop global warming climate change.

“Every day ordinary New Yorkers walk up to me and say, ‘Mr. Mayor’ my windshield was broken by a squeegee man” began Wilhelm Jr.

And by ordinary New Yorkers I mean my security detail and my chauffeur.  Mister Mayor, how can we stop our windshields from being smashed by these panhandlers.  Now let us address the root cause of squeegee men which is, of course, rising sea levels. And let us address the root cause of rising sea levels which is, of course, climate change. And let us address the root cause of climate change which is, of course, humans.  Some might say the Sun.  But what can we say to such people but scoff at them. The sun is over 93 million miles away. Really to expect it to have much affect on our climate is outrageous.  No.  It is people and only people who change our planet’s climate.

Now back to the shattered windshield. Can it not be said that the squeegee man shattered it out of a feeling of helplessness as he watches mother Earth’s temperatures rise? Yes, helplessness.  And out of this feeling of helplessness he attacked the cause of rising sea levels:  the racist internal combustion engine. Cars emit toxic fumes which get into our atmosphere and raise the temperature of the Earth.  And who drives these racist internal combustion engines?  The white man of course.  I am announcing now that when I get back to New York I will ban internal combustion engines from my city.

Of course as mayor I will need a car.  But it’s for official purposes only.  Yes, my conscience is conflicted on this.  Hopefully one day the future mayor of New York will no long have to rely on the internal combustion engine to get around town.  If only there were some form of public transportation in New York.

People tell me there is a subway but I’ve never ridden in it. My chauffeur says he doesn’t know how to drive a subway car. And besides only the working class rides subways.  It is beneath me.

To sum up: Once the internal combustion engine is banned in New York City our sea levels will recede and the homeless can go back to writing poetry instead of breaking windshields. Crime will become nonexistent as former criminals, no longer goaded by the racist internal combustion engine, will become productive citizens.

In short, once I implement my plan, which I have codenamed “Operation Sandinista” a socialist workers paradise will become reality.

All will look to New York as an example.  No crime.  Receding ocean levels. Paradise.  And once the class structure is eliminated all worker comrades will live together in harmony. There will be no need for jobs. No capitalism. No class warfare.  And I will lead my fellow New Yorkers into this paradise.

As Wilhelm Jr. finished his speech he agreed to take one question from the audience.

“Are you f*cking insane?” asked an audience member.

“Yes” replied the mayor.  “But I am insane with the love of socialism.”

The mayor and his security detail then left in their limos for the ride to the airport.  During the ride Wilhelm Jr.’s speeding chauffer ran over 13 Italians.

“That’s 13 people who wont’ be contributing to climate change” exclaimed the mayor.

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