History’s Greatest Monster Sworn in as President

No college degree no justice!

No college degree no justice!

You know what they say about the number five?  All good things come in fives.  Actually that’s just stupid.  No one has ever said that. Ever.  However it is time for the fifth installment of my 2017 presidential inaugural addresses series.  This time it’s Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. Or, as I like to call him:  History’s greatest monster.  The man has no college degree. And that proves he’s stupid.  The science is settled on this.

Security was tight at the Capitol as a group calling itself “College graduates for social justice and college degrees” threatened to disrupt the swearing in rather than see an unlettered man as President.

My fellow Americans.  I am proud to stand before you today, the 45th President of this great country. Our nation faces many challenges ahead.  A nuclear Iran threatens stability in the middle east.  China is threatening to expand in the far east. Our nation is heavily in debt.  We must respond to all these challenges –

It was at this point that college graduates for social justice and college degrees interrupted President Walker’s speech.

Carrying signs that said “You’re stupid” and “Only stupid people don’t go to college” they climbed onto the podium and grabbed the microphone.

Secret Service were about to arrest the group when President Walker signaled that the protesters should have their chance to speak.

“Americans wake up!” shouted their leader.

This man you have elected President is not one of us!  He never graduated college! Do you know what that means?  He has never gotten a degree in racial studies or transgender studies. He has never become a professional like us. He is not familiar with the bureaucratic branch of our government.  How can an unlettered  man like this lead our bureaucracy? How can he appreciate the benefits of EPA self-regulation? Everyone in the EPA has graduated college.  This proves they know how best to lead people like Walker.  People who are too stupid to attain a college degree. The EPA, and indeed all Federal agencies such as the Fish and Wildlife Service, the IRS, the Department of Education and all agencies with SWAT teams are staffed by professionals with college degrees.  These people know what’s in the best interests of the common man. And as for the SWAT teams, well sometimes the common man doesn’t appreciate what the government does for them and they have to act.

The group then unfurled a banner that read “America:  Run by professionals forever.  Those without degrees never!”

Our allies wanted us to make a powerful statement.  A statement that said how attached we, as professionals are, to our positions as the rulers of America.  We thought of perhaps bombing the inauguration. But as college educated men and women we decided to do what we do best:  Write a strongly worded protest.  And that’s what we have done  What have you got to say for yourself Walker?  Why didn’t you graduate college?

President Walker then took the microphone and uttered his rebuttal.

“I had a job.”

With that the College graduates for social justice and college degrees ceded the podium but not before complaining that President Walker could have at least given them a trigger warning before telling them that he was employed as a capitalist.

“Not only is he not a professional but he’s one of them!’ could be heard as the group left the stage.


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