The athletes will most likely be housed in this glamorous part of Olympic Village

With Boston pulling out as a candidate to host the 2024 summer Olympics the honor of hosting the event has fallen upon the City of Detroit.

With Detroit’s mayor Mike Duggan by his side, the International Olympic Committee president Thomas Bach explained the organization’s decision.

“The IOC has always stood for one thing” said Bach.

Giving the people the best Olympic experience ever. Or failing that, getting lots of money from cities and not building anything.  Actually forget about giving people the best Olympic experience ever.  I don’t know why I even said that. I guess I just want to be honest. We at the IOC take money, bribes really, from potential host cities and then fail to deliver on promises.  Usually we half-heartily build half-finished stadiums and living quarters without running water, showers or bathrooms. It takes money to do this. Money that can be better spent lining our pockets. And that’s why we turned to Detroit. Detroit already has the ruins the IOC needs so we won’t have to do anything.

After Bach finished speaking it was time for Mayor Duggan to address the reporters.

I am proud that the IOC has chosen Detroit to host the 2024 Olympics. This is just the start of the revitalization of our city. Having the Olympics here will raise the prestige of our city. Detroit will once again become a glamorous destination. We want to be known as the Camden of the Midwest!

With his remarks finished Mayor Duggan then unleashed a PowerPoint presentation that will show how the city will host the Olympics.

If you take a look at this picture notice the decay, the urban blight.

Athletes from around the world will sleep here!

 We feel that this would make a perfect location to house the Olympic athletes.  Swimming events?  We have the Detroit River.

Swim faster or die!

Yes, there’s lot of pollution in the water but that will be an incentive for the athletes to swim faster.  The marathon?  Well with our crime rates you can bet an Olympic record will be broken in that event.  The runners will be trying to finish as as fast as possible to get off the streets and avoid being shot.

Run fast and get off the damn street!

 In short we have everything the IOC could want.  Corruption. Lack of viable infrastructure. High crime.  In fact it’s such a good deal for the IOC that we are in talks with them to bring the winter olympics here as well.

Mayor Duggan and IOC President Bach then unveiled the official slogan of the 2024 Olympics: Duck and cover!  

“It’s from an old fire safety manual” said the mayor.  “But it applies here as well.”

When asked where Detroit would be getting the money to pay the IOC the mayor responded that he was just a politician and not good at economics.

“Money?  I don’t know.  I guess we’ll just raid a few more pension funds.”

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