Browsing the blog archives for May, 2015
The Tortoise, fresh off his remarkable win against the hare, did not even have time to bask in his victory before the allegations of PED use began to swirl around him. “After careful analysis of his drug tests we have no choice but to invalidate his victory” declared the President of the American Association of Professional […]
The Tower of Babel, which when completed was to reach up into the sky, lies uncompleted, its workers idle, a victim of the broken system in Washington D.C. “The Tower of Babel would have been the crowning achievement of humanity” declared House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. It would have represented the strength and compassion of […]
Dateline September 16th, 1787. Ye Olde New York Times We here at Ye Olde New York Times have just finished reading the plan of the Philadelphia convention for the proposed so-called “Constitution of the United States” and find it lacking in many respects. Indeed the preamble to the so-called Constitution serves as a warning to […]
“Where does it say you can’t kill the Royals?” ~ The New York Yankees. And so on Memorial Day, the slumping Yankees who have lost ten out of 11 and are officially colder than a witches tit, squared off against the Kansas City Royals, who hold the best record in baseball. It was an assassination. […]
In an announcement that surprised many, Super Heroes Incorporated announced today that it is parting ways with Batman. “After much reflection we have decided to end our association with Batman” said Super Heroes Inc.’s president. We appreciate the job he did for us and praise his many years of keeping Gotham City safe from its suspiciously […]
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, who reached dizzying heights of fame and was known as the “Beatles of the North Pole” committed suicide by hanging himself from a tree early this morning. Rudolph’s career had been in decline for decades and he was in New York looking for work off-Broadway. “The kid saved Christmas. How […]
In a truly ground-breaking moment for diversity and inclusion, the Fire Department of New York has revised its physical standards so more women will be able to pass the test and break the grip of patriarchy currently affecting the institution. “For too long we have let old-fashioned notions of physical strength dominate our recruitment tests” […]
Bumbles bounce. Everyone in the North Pole knew that. Unfortunately so did the CIA, which is why they sent a black ops team to the North Pole to extract him. The CIA needed to know the secret of the Bumble’s bouncing technology so they could use it for themselves. “Whomever perfects bouncing technology first wins the […]
The jury in the Boston Marathon bombing trial sentenced Dzhokhar Tsarnaev to 72 virgins on Friday for his role in the attack that killed four and maimed 17. Immediately after the verdict was read a crowd of peoples of color outside the courtroom broke into chants of “Hands up, don’t bomb us!” and “Chechnyan lives […]
Every spring a trouble phenomenon occurs in American life: The shocking increase in suicides of children 13 years and under. Researchers were at first puzzled by this. “We thought maybe the kids were killing themselves because they felt oppressed by non-progressive Republican policies” said one psychiatrist. Others believed that the suicides could be linked to pre-teen […]