The CIA and the Abominable

Another victim of the war on terror!

Another victim of the war on terror!

Bumbles bounce.  Everyone in the North Pole knew that.  Unfortunately so did the CIA, which is why they sent a black ops team to the North Pole to extract him.  The CIA needed to know the secret of the Bumble’s bouncing technology so they could use it for themselves.

“Whomever perfects bouncing technology first wins the war on terror” said CIA director John O. Brennan.

The Bumble can bounce.  We needed to know how he does it.  Was it a natural gift? Something in his physiology? Was it a skill he learned through natural selection? Could we modify our soldiers so that they too bounced?  Think of the advantage we’d have if we could bounce in and out of ISIS hotspots.  Our footprint would be practically non-existent and it would be good for the environment.  Imagine using bouncing technology instead of fossil fuel.  Why bouncing technology could be the green energy of the future!

Once extracted he was brought to a secret CIA prison in Norway where he was interrogated.

“At first he seemed confused and claimed he didn’t know what this so-called ‘bouncing’ technology was” said an agent at the scene.

If you ask me he was either the coolest customer ever or just very stupid.  All he wanted, so he said, were some cigarettes and access to online porn. As we were sticking needles up his fingernails we had to tell him that smoking was illegal on the premises. And we at the CIA follow the letter of the law always. Those were my exact words to him as I was probing his anus with my flashlight.

Unwilling, or unable to give the CIA the secret to his bouncing the Bumble was then experimented on.

We sedated him and brought him into the operating room.  At first we just took X-rays and a few CAT scans. We were hoping to find out without having to be too invasive.  When neither of those gave us any results we had no choice to but cut him open.

His internal organs were removed and themselves cut open.

Before we put his organs back we tried implanting them into a few of our agents to see if they would bounce.  Instead all they did was scratch their testicles and poop all over the place.

Unable to find out the secret to his bouncing ability the CIA then transferred the Abominable to the Bikini Atoll and dropped low-grade nuclear weapons on him.

All that did was make him grow.  You know, like that movie from the ’50s, the Amazing Colossal Man. And if you thought the Bumble pooped a lot at his normal size just imagine an entire island with a 20-foot high wall of poop.  It’s like a feces glacier.

Discouraged that the secret to bouncing was not discovered the CIA gave up and returned the Bumble to his home on the North Pole.

“We’ll find out the secret to bouncing” said Brennan.  “In the meantime we will live to bounce another day.”

Now free, the Bumble had some choice words for his former captors.

The CIA are a bunch of crazy ass motherf*ckers.  They kept asking me how I bounced.  I would tell them I didn’t know just to piss them off.  I didn’t have the heart to tell them it was my Air Jordan sneakers.

Now wiser from experience the Bumble promises to do all he can to thwart American power.

“All I wanted was cigarettes.  If they had given me some I would still be pro-American.” 


One Response

  1. LSP says:

    And now we’ve lost Ramadi. Thanks a lot, Bush.

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