Rise in Pre-Teen Suicides Linked to “Take Your Child to Work Day”

WTF?  Gee thanks for taking me to work!

WTF? Gee thanks for taking me to work!

Every spring a trouble phenomenon occurs in American life:  The shocking increase in suicides of children 13 years and under. Researchers were at first puzzled by this.

“We thought maybe the kids were killing themselves because they felt oppressed by non-progressive Republican policies” said one psychiatrist.

Others believed that the suicides could be linked to pre-teen gender identity issues.

“It’s difficult enough being ten years old as it is without having to decide whether one wants to keep one’s penis.  Gender is very fluid you see.”

Still others believe kids are committing suicide because they are forced to play competitive sports.

“One minute they are happy wearing the dresses mommy forces them to wear and the next they are expected  to beat other children at games.  And competitive sports are nothing more than patriarchy rape!”

But after much study is has been discovered that pre-teen suicide is directly linked to “Take Your Child to Work Day.”

“I blame myself” said one grieving father.

I thought taking my son to the office would be exciting for him.  So I show him my cubicle and say ‘This is where daddy spends his day.’ He seemed confused and asked me why I didn’t have an office.  Then my boss dropped by and yelled at me. “Where the reports I asked for!  You better finish them or you’ll get no raise this year!”  My son then looked at me like he knew what his future would be.  I said “Yes, your father is a middle-aged cubicle slave who doesn’t make much money and isn’t successful.  That’s why he drinks so much.”  He committed suicide in the parking lot that afternoon.

Another parent tells of receiving a suicide note from his child.

I took him into the office to show him what I do.  What does he see?  My 25 year old female boss berating me for not taking the mandatory gender sensitivity training. “You’re oppressing me with your penis!’ she screamed.  Right in front of my kid! The next day I found my son dead in bed.  He had slashed his wrists.  He left a note that said, “Gee thanks Dad.  Thanks so much for bringing me into the office.  Why not just give me something sharp? I feel like opening a vein.”  I’m never taking another child of mine to work.  Well, I’m probably never going to have another child since my wife won’t let me touch her. She says she finds male sexuality disgusting.

Because of the rise in suicides corporations are being asked to cancel next year’s “Take Your Child to Work Day.”

Experts in child psychology are asking parents instead to engage their children in non-judgmental, gender-fluid activities such as knitting or cheerleading.

Parents are also encouraged to discuss Bruce Jenner with their children.

“He is a hero who is no longer trapped by his penis.  This can be a lesson for your son.”

In lieu of taking their child to the office, parents are asked to donate to a gender fluid charity of their choice.


2 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    No child suicides related to “Bring yo chillins to Woik Day” have been reported in the hood.

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