New FDNY Physical Aptitude Test Makes Everyone Feel Good About Themselves!

This patch is a symbol of patriarchy and oppression!

This patch is a symbol of patriarchy and oppression!

In a truly ground-breaking moment for diversity and inclusion, the Fire Department of New York has revised its physical standards so more women will be able to pass the test and break the grip of patriarchy currently affecting the institution.

“For too long we have let old-fashioned notions of physical strength dominate our recruitment tests” said FDNY commissioner Daniel A. Nigro.

And I don’t have to tell you that these so-called standards were jury-rigged to favor men.  Strong men.  As such many women, midgets, hobbits, cats or others who are deformed could not become firepeople.  Now this has changed and I am proud that it has.  I mean sure a fireman has to breathe through a mask connected to an air tank while carrying up to 50 pounds of gear, then climbing six flights of stairs, stretching hose lines, raising ladders, and performing tasks that simulate breaking down doors and pulling down ceilings, plus dragging dummies through tunnels with no visibility.  But what does such a patriarchal feat of strength have to do with being a fireperson?  Absolutely nothing!

Under the old standards cadets had to do this test in 17 minutes.  Under the new standards there will be no time limit.

When citizens are trapped inside burning buildings time is not of the essence. What is of the essence is the self-esteem of our brave firepeople of gender and color.

In addition to having to climb six flights of stairs (though without a time limit) recruits will also have to discuss their feelings.

In a section of the new test entitled “Trigger Warnings” recruits are asked to be aware of their environment.

Did a white male supervisor make you feel uncomfortable? Did he use phrases such as ‘Not bad for a women’ or ‘You’re just not strong enough to carry equipment up five flights of stairs.’  If so tell him that your well-space rights have been violated. You don’t have to stand for oppression at the hands of the patriarchy!

Recruits are encouraged to take their concerns to the FDNY’s new “Department of Feelings.

“Many of our new female recruits are reporting feelings of inadequacy” states the Department’s head, a female psychologist and author of the book “My Vagina Has a First Name!”

It is time for our female recruits to realize that all we have in a male-dominated world are our feelings.  And its time we felt good about ourselves. Let me give you an example.  The other day I saw a supermodel and I approached her and said her body does not validate me. She was young and desirable but why should I suffer from her body oppression?  Her body set off a trigger warning within me.  I was filled with rage.

Female recruits will also be made to realize that saving lives and property is not why they became firepeople.

Is a building on fire?  Do you hear screams?  How does this make you feel? Remember it’s not your fault! The person on fire inside the building is not your concern.  Instead of going into the building sit down and take a mental inventory of your feelings. If you do not feel safe, inform your supervisor and he will have another fireperson take your place.

It has also been announced that due to the influx of female recruits who are not able to pass the physical, standards for white male recruits will be tightened.

“Someone has to do the dirty work of fighting fires” said Nigron.

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One Response

  1. petermc3 says:

    “When the candles are out all women are fair”: Aristotle

    “Ages ago, my girlfriend had this little park near her house, with a bridge running over a stream… and I set up all these candles on the bridge. But when I called her and told her she said it was too dark and she wasn’t coming out.”: Harry Styles

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