Rudolph left no suicide note.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, who reached dizzying heights of fame and was known as the “Beatles of the North Pole” committed suicide by hanging himself from a tree early this morning.

Rudolph’s career had been in decline for decades and he was in New York looking for work off-Broadway.

“The kid saved Christmas.  How do you follow that up?” said a former agent.

After saving Christmas with his shiny red nose, “a fortuitous freak of nature” Rudolph came to Hollywood and was much in demand. At one point he had a top-rated variety show on TV called “Rudolph After Dark.”  There was even talk of Rudolph replacing Sean Connery as James Bond.

“I know the producers wanted him but Rudolph asked for too much money.  And he wanted young women to massage his hoofs between takes” said a reporter for Variety magazine.

But fame, like that girl you meet at closing time in your favorite bar, is a fleeting bitch. Rudolph’s fame declined in the ’70s and by the end of the decade he was reduced to appearing as a contestant on the Gong Show.

As Rudolph faded into obscurity his private life became more complicated. He was never able to find a reindeer to share his affections with.

“He was obsessed with a girl back home called Clarice” said a friend.

He kept telling me that she was the only pure reindeer for him.  I didn’t have the heart to tell him that Clarice was banging everything that moves. He would write her and send her purity rings.  She would respond by sending him pictures of her getting it on top of the bar from multiple reindeer at once.  Poor Rudolph would just look at the photos and say, “They are forged. Clarice would never do that.”  I guess it’s true what they say.  Love makes schmucks out of us all.

Sad and lonely, the low point for Rudolph came when he invited Clarice to New York. His happiness was brief as he soon discovered Clarice turning tricks in his apartment.

What a whore!

“He threw her out.  I’ve never seen Rudolph so angry” said a neighbor. “He was even angrier than that February morning when it was one degree and he had no heat or hot water.  He told me his balls froze to the toilet bowl.”

After discovering the truth about Clarice Rudolph swore off women forever and started to explore feelings he had kept buried his entire life.

It was at this point that he decided to have a sex change.

“I’m a female trapped in a male reindeer’s body” he told Diane Sawyer on a nationally televised interview.

As a self-identified “gender fluid reindeer” Rudolph became in demand again.  A reality show entitled “Chopping it off with Rudolph” on E! was in the works when Rudolph began to have second thoughts.

“The reality was that he was mentally ill. And he was fond of his penis and wanted to keep it” according to Rudolph’s psychiatrist.

However E! refused to let him out of his contract and insisted that his penis must go.

Trapped, depressed, lonely and still pining for Clarice, Rudolph then ended his life.  He left no suicide note.

“I think he was too confused to write one.  Or maybe, being a reindeer, he couldn’t read or write” said a detective.

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