“Where does it say you can’t kill the Royals?” ~ The New York Yankees.

Actual security footage of the Yankees shooting the Royals.

And so on Memorial Day, the slumping Yankees who have lost ten out of 11 and are officially colder than a witches tit, squared off against the Kansas City Royals, who hold the best record in baseball.  It was an assassination.  And a good one.  Like when Huey Long was shot.

The Rangers started Jeremy Guthrie (4-3 6.70) while the Yankee starter was Nathan “I have a funny last name” Eovaldi (4-1 4.27).

In the bottom of the first the Yankees ruined my scorecard by scoring 8 runs and hitting three home runs while sending 13 people to the plate.

Brett “Male Pattern Baldness” Gardner led off and on the second pitch doubled.  The next batter Chase “That’s Headley Lamarr!” Headley, on the first pitch hit a home run to the bleachers that landed behind me.  I have never seen a ball in the new stadium hit over my head in the bleachers.  Once in the old stadium Hideki Matsui hit one over my head.  Probably because Girardi threatened to nuke his hometown if he didn’t.  But that’s just speculation.  After a single by AROD and a walk to Teixiera Brian McCann homered on a 1-2 pitch to right field.

After Didi Gregorius was hit by a pitch and Slade Heathcott singled Brett Gardner came up again and homered to right field.  Mercifully the inning ended without any further scoring.  8-0 Yankees after one.

Between innings Girardi approached the Royals starter and said this:

Your Royals are dead. I know you’re not in the muscle-end of the family, Jeremy, so I don’t want you to be scared. Now, you can go take a shower.  I don’t like violence, Jeremy. I’m a baseball man. Blood is a big expense. And a trip to the DL.

In the bottom of the second the Yankees scored again. After Brian McCann walked and Garrett Jones doubled, Stephen “Yes, I know I am batting the Mendoza line but in my defense I will have 20 hits all year and they will all be home runs” Drew homered.  11-0 Yankees after two.

After the second inning a Royals uniform with a fish inside was brought to their dugout.

“What the hell is this?” asked the Royals manager.

“It’s a Yankees message.  It means Jeremy Guthrie sleeps with the fishes” responded the first base coach.

The Royals scored a run in the top of the fifth. After Alcides Escobar doubled Jarrod “Loves intense sucking action.  On vacuum cleaners” Dyson singled him home.  11-1 after 4 1/2.

The Yankees got an insurance run in the bottom of the inning when after Brett Gardner walked and stole second Chase Headley doubled him home.  12-1 after five.

The Yankees scored two more runs in the bottom of the seventh when Slade “I have a cool first name” Heathcott homered with Gregorius on base.

Final score:  Yankees 14 Royals 1.

Notes on the game:

It was war pure and simple.  The Yankees went to the mattresses.  At one point a cannoli was delivered to the Royals dugout.

“Leave the Royals.  Take the Cannoli” said Girardi.

You have to have these wars every now and then.  It clears up any bad blood.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “I snapped the side of the rod across his jaw and laid the flesh open to the bone. I pounded his teeth back into his mouth with the end of the barrel. The punk was vomiting on the floor trying to claw his way under the sink” didn’t fire up the crowd.  Perhaps they are too sensitive.

Reader mail:

A.P. of Poughkeepsie writes, “I believe in America. America has made my fortune. And I raised my daughter in the American fashion. I gave her freedom, but I taught her never to dishonor her family. She found a boyfriend, not an Italian. She went to the movies with him. She stayed out late. I didn’t protest. Two months ago he took her for a drive, with another boy friend. They made her drink whiskey and then they tried to take advantage of her. She resisted. She kept her honor. So they beat her. Like an animal.”

Tough break.  Why didn’t you go to the police? Why didn’t you come to me first?

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “A month ago, he bought the movie rights to this book. A best seller – and the main character, it’s a guy just like me. I, uh, I wouldn’t even have to act, just be myself. Oh, Manhattan Infidel, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.”

You can act like a man!

Someone who calls herself L.T. of New York writes, “I must say no to you, and I’ll give you my reasons. It’s true, I have a lot of friends in politics, but they wouldn’t be friendly very long if they knew my business was blogs instead of supplying props for movies, which they regard as a – a harmless vice. But blogging is a dirty business. It makes, it doesn’t make any difference to me what a man does for a living, understand. But your business is, uh, a little dangerous.”

If you’re worried about security for your million, the Tattaglias’ll guarantee it.

LSP of Texas writes, “We’re all grateful to Don Manhattan Infidel for calling this meeting. We all know him as a man of his word. A modest man who will always listen to reason. But he is too modest. He had all the judges and politicians in his pocket and refused to share them.”

When – when did I ever refuse an accommodation? All of you know me here. When did I ever refuse, except one time? And why? Because I believe this drug business is gonna destroy us in the years to come. I mean, it’s not like gambling or liquor, even women, which is something that most people want nowadays and it’s forbidden to them – by the pezzonovantes in the church. Even the police departments have helped us in the past with gambling and other things. They’re gonna refuse to help us when it comes to narcotics. And I believed that then, and I believe that now.

Recommended reading material:  “The Mike Hammer Collection Volume 2:  One Lonely Night, The Big Kill, Kiss Me Deadly” by Mickey Spillane.

And so my record this year stands at 2-1.  My next game is Wednesday June 17th against the Miami Marlins.

Go Yankees!

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