Batman Fired!

Oh come on!  This outfit is a joke!  I can't wear this!

Oh come on! This outfit is a joke! I can’t wear this!

In an announcement that surprised many, Super Heroes Incorporated announced today that it is parting ways with Batman.

“After much reflection we have decided to end our association with Batman” said  Super Heroes Inc.’s president.

We appreciate the job he did for us and praise his many years of keeping Gotham City safe from its suspiciously large number of costumed villains.  However we have come to feel that Batman’s philosophy of crime fighting was mired in the past and not a good fit for our progressive organization.  We wish him the best of luck in the future.

Sources close to the situation say that Batman, previously an independent contractor, became disgruntled after he sold his Bat Cave to Super Heroes Inc. and became a full-time employee of the company.

“He had trouble adjusting to the new economic reality of crime fighting” said a friend.

Super Heroes Inc. kept cutting his budget. He had to downgrade the Batmobile and his uniform.  I remember him telling me that “these corporate bastards are nickle and diming me out of existence.  My new outfit looks ridiculous.  I don’t even have a utility belt anymore.”

Things really became tense between Batman and his employers when he was asked to write a mission statement for himself and describe his goals for the upcoming year.  Batman balked and told his immediate supervisor that his goal was to “fight crime and keep Gotham safe.  But I thought that was f*cking obvious.  Come on.  What more do you want me to say.”

Super Heroes Inc. countered by telling Batman that they needed him to detail his crime fighting strategy and give bullet points in a PowerPoint presentation regarding possible crime trends.

Specifically we wanted Batman not to worry about solving every minor crime that came along but instead to try to find the root cause of the crime and the criminal.  Only by addressing the root cause will we solve crime.  Batman didn’t like that.

“What the f*ck is a PowerPoint presentation” a clearly frustrated Batman exclaimed.

Batman also did not like the constant interference by the HR department of Super Heroes Inc.  This email in particular shows his frustration:

On Tuesday I was attempting to stop the Joker from aligning himself with the Riddler and the Penguin.  Rumor had it they were planning a bank heist.  So I  took the Batmobile to the bank in question.  As I was parking my car I got an email from HR asking me to come back to the office and take an online diversity training course.  Come on?  I’m trying to fight crime.  Then when I get back to the Bat Cave I’m informed that I had to log out of the Bat Phone and take the test immediately. This is ridiculous.

Already on report for not taking his diversity training, the decision to fire Batman came when he was asked to explain why he called himself a “Superhero.”

“We asked him if he had any superpowers.  He responded in the negative” said an HR representative.  “We had no choice then but to let him go for lying on his resume.”

Until a new crime fighter is hired Robin will be the acting supervisor of the Bat Cave.


6 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    Those costumed villains are over 40 so why the f__k is he harassing them? Firing his jiggly yet firm ass was the right move.

    • Manhattan Infidel says:

      I’m sure with his qualifications Batman can always get a job in the food services industry.

  2. innominatus says:

    His agent tells me that he’s close to inking a 4-year deal as a pro wrestler.

  3. I hate bats anyway! Now Cat Woman, that’s a different story.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>