Tortoise Stripped of Victory After Positive Steroid Test

The tortoise and his suspicious PED muscles cross the finish line first

The tortoise and his suspicious PED muscles cross the finish line first

The Tortoise, fresh off his remarkable win against the hare, did not even have time to bask in his victory before the allegations of PED use began to swirl around him.

“After careful analysis of his drug tests we have no choice but to invalidate his victory” declared the President of the American Association of Professional Animal Runners (AAPAR).

Like many in our organization I took the tortoise at his word that his victory was the result of hard work and intensive training. I celebrated it as an example for the children of America.  But chemistry does not lie.  The blood test showed the following banned substances in the tortoise:

1. Androstanediol
2. Androstanedione
3. Androstenediol
4. Androstenedione
5. Bolasterone
6. Boldenone
7. Boldione
8. Calusterone
9. Clenbuterol 5
10. Clostebol
11. Danazol
12. Dehydrochloromethyltestosterone
13. Desoxy-methyltestosterone
14. 1-dihydrotestosterone
15. 4-dihydrotestosterone
16. Drostanolone
17. Ethylestrenol
18. Fluoxymesterone
19. Formebolone
20. Furazabol
21. 13a-ethyl-17a-hydroxygon-4-en-3-one
22. Gestrinone
23. 4-hydroxytestosterone
24. 4-hydroxy-19-nortestosterone
25. Mestanolone

This is an extensive list that shows that the tortoise had planned months in advance to beat the hare in an illegal fashion.  There is no way he could not have known what he was ingesting.  Because of this we are invalidating the race results and awarding the victory to the hare.  We are also banning the tortoise from professional competition for one year.

The tortoise denies he used illegal performance enhancing drugs and blames the positive tests on a mistake by the handler.

I am clean!  My entire professional career has been clean. I can’t account for these results.  Sure I’ve lost my hair, my head is larger, I’m impotent and I’ve stopped producing testosterone.  But these are just medical conditions I’ve had my entire life. Who knows what happened to my sample after it left my hands.  The guy who picked it up and delivered it to the lab I’m told is an illegal alien.  Who knows. Maybe he tainted the sample running from the Feds.  Or perhaps he mislabeled the samples. He’s just a contractor and as such has no motivation for performing his job conscientiously. All I can say is that I will do everything to clear my name.  My good name is all I have. That and lots of money.  And I will be using my money to hire a good lawyer to sue the guy from the lab.

The tortoise also plans to sue the AAPAR for mental anguish and loss of future income.

After I won, legitimately won, the race I had offers from Hollywood.  Shit I was getting more pussy than a rock star or a Clinton.  Now all that is dried up.  I have no income coming in.  If I don’t get reinstated I’ll have to continue my career racing elsewhere.  I don’t know.  The Dominican Republic or Italy maybe.  

Despite the protestations of the tortoise the AAPAR has no plans to reinstate him.

“We have to take a stand sometime” said the President.

For too long we took a blind eye to what was going on because it brought the fans to our races. But now we’ve reached a critical turning point.  If something isn’t done to restore the integrity of the game the fans will leave and never come back.

From his home in New England the hare was asked about the recent events.

Look all I know is I ran a clean race with no PEDs.  I even took a nap in the middle of it because I was so sure of victory.  You just can’t trust a tortoise.  Ban them all I say!

Once he serves his suspension the tortoise will be eligible to race again providing he assents to supervised random drug tests.

“Having someone watch me piss in a f*cking cup.  Is this what America’s come to?” he told a reporter.

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2 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    This little puke is no better than A-Rod.

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