My Exclusive Interview with Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller

Ve hav vays of indicting you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the honor of interviewing the man of the hour, special prosecutor Robert Mueller, who after five months of investigation unsealed his first indictments yesterday.

MI: Good afternoon special prosecutor Mueller.

SPM: Please, call me God.

MI: Um. No I’d rather I didn’t. You are not God.

SPM: You foolish, foolish, foolish insignificant little man. I am a god. I have powers you cannot conceive.

MI: You’re beginning to scare me.

SPM: Oh really? Why is that? Do you have reason to be scared? Is there something in your past that perhaps might be illegal?

MI: I am not under suspicion am I?

SPM: Everyone is under suspicion.

MI: You have no evidence that I’ve done anything wrong and no reason to investigate me.

SPM: Evidence? Oh you little people are so trying sometimes. The evidence is what we say it is. I’m a special prosecutor after all.

MI: Let’s talk about that. Is the office of a special prosecutor constitutional?

SPM: It is if we say it is.

MI: But aren’t special prosecutors actually fishing expeditions unanswerable to anyone? You were hired to look into collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia yet you indicted Manafort on “Conspiracy against the United States” for alleged crimes committed between 2005 and 2014. And isn’t it true that a special prosecutor will indict just to justify his or her existence?

SPM: Your point being?

MI: The special prosecutor, far from being independent is a political abuse of power.

SPM: Manhattan Infidel did you ever run a lemonade stand?

MI: Yes, when I was ten.

SPM: Did you report that income?

MI: What? No. I was ten.

SPM: So that’s tax evasion.  Did you move that money?

MI: Yes I moved it to my piggy bank.

SPM: So you laundered it and hid your profit from the government.

MI: I was ten!

SPM: Being ten is no excuse for not reporting your income to Washington. I am now indicting you for money laundering, tax evasion and conspiracy against the United States.

MI: What?  

SPM: You must now surrender yourself to the FBI.

MI: But I don’t want to surrender to the FBI.

SPM: Then confess your tax sins to Washington.  This can all be over if you only confess.

MI: Alright. I confess.  

SPM: And?

MI: I’ll vote Democrat. I’ll vote Democrat in every election for the rest of my life. I’m changing my party allegiance. I now self-identify as a committed, Democratic activist.

SPM: I believe you are sincere. I shall now cancel the indictment. You are free.

MI: Thank you sir. Thank you. God bless special prosecutors. God bless them all. And god bless Washington D.C. and our Federal government.

I know what you are saying:  Manhattan Infidel you turned pretty quickly. Yes I did. But in my defense we have to do what we have to do to stay out of the Washington’s crosshairs. Nothing scares me more than the United States government.

(44)

Godzilla Asks Fans Not to Dress as Him on Halloween!

Is there nothing the white man won’t culturally appropriate?

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a stunning blow to Cosplay participants everywhere Godzilla has asked that people refrain from using his image this Halloween.

“Just stop it. Will you?  Just stop dressing as me” said Godzilla in a statement released through his agent.

I’m pretty easy going. I’m not like a lot of Hollywood stars who are full of themselves. I haven’t copyrighted my image. I’m not going to send a team of lawyers after some middle class Joe Schmoe who happened to dress like me at a Comic Con. That’s not me, man. I don’t have armed security and I always sign autographs (well, I would if my tiny arms weren’t such useless appendages). But I feel I must draw the line with these Godzilla costumes. First off they don’t even look like me. I don’t have a zipper down my back. I don’t see through my mouth either. But most importantly dressing as me is racist. It is. It’s total cultural appropriation. What right does a white person have to dress as me? I’m Japanese. The white man dropped nuclear bombs on my country. We had legitimate historical grievances against the west. You cut off our oil supply. That’s why we went to war. To survive.

Godzilla’s new-found radicalism has surprised and angered many of his fans.

“I brought my son with me to last year’s Comic Con” said one man.

My son loves Godzilla. He like to run around the house pretending he’s attacking Tokyo shouting “roar, roar.” It’s all good fun. So when I heard that Godzilla would be at Comic Con I saved up my money and bought some tickets. On the day he was going to be there we got in line early. My son was so excited. He was going to meet his hero. So when we get to the front of the line you know what he says? He says “Kid do you know what radiation from an atomic bomb does to the human body? If you’re not incinerated the skin peels off. After a week you develop sores that are very painful. You can’t keep food down. Soon you are begging for death.”  My son starts crying and Godzilla raises his left hand and makes a fist. “This is is for the brothers” he says.  I mean what the f*ck? I don’t care what your politics are. You’re an entertainer. Keep your mouth shut and entertain us!

Despite criticism from fans and possible loss of sponsorship deals Godzilla vows to maintain his new principles. His most recent Comic Con convention was greeted with boos after he took a knee during the National Anthem.

“It ain’t my national anthem” said Godzilla.  “To me it’s a symbol of oppression.”

(9)

Actress Terrorized by Old Man in Wheelchair!

The sexual predator caught in the act!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

George Herbert Walker Bush, the 41st President of the United States, joins Harvey Weinstein on the list of America’s most feared and loathsome sexual predators.

Brave actress Heather Lind has come forward with details of her shocking sexual assault at the hands (literally) of President Bush during a 2014 event in Houston, Texas.

“He didn’t shake my hand” said the brave, sexually traumatized actress.

Instead he put his hand on my back and told me a dirty joke. A dirty joke! I felt disgusted and dirty.  It seems to me a President’s power is in his or her capacity to enact positive change, actually help people, and serve as a symbol of our democracy. He relinquished that power when he used it against me and, judging from the comments of those around him, countless other women before me. But I’m an actress, which as you know is not much different than being President.  I too can use my power, which isn’t so different from a President really. I can enact positive change. I can actually help people. I can be a symbol of my democracy. I can refuse to call him President, and call out other abuses of power when I see them. I can vote for a President, in part, by the nature of his or her character, knowing that his or her political decisions must necessarily stem from that character. I will not vote for nor respect a rapist. Unless he’s a Democrat.

The brave, sexually assaulted actress, then went on to talk about how her life has been one long downward spiral to hell since her rape.

It would have been so much different if Obama or Clinton had touched me. Those are reliably pro-abortion Democrats. I would have accepted their hands on my body as a sacrifice and oblation. But letting a Republican touch me? No self-respecting resident of New York or California wants such unintelligent, low-class people to touch her. I was so traumatized by Bush that I was emotionally unable to go to an audition for the lead in a movie. I would have played a prostitute who becomes a porn star and sets the record for the most penetrations in a 24-hour period.  It’s important to me as a progressive woman that I got the part. I want there to be positive role models out there for young women.

Eventually the brave, sexually assaulted actress put her life back together and resumed her career.

I was at a party and a producer asked me my name. Normally I would have fellated him but I kept thinking of Bush, so I maced him instead. Didn’t get that role either. It was while he was on the floor gasping with teary eyes that I found the courage to forgive all men and get on with my life. So I guess what I want to say to young women is you too can overcome having a Republican touch you.

President Bush has not responded to Lind’s allegations though his wife Barbara Bush did have this to say:

“That was my hand on her ass. Have you seen her?  Smoking hot!”

Such a positive role model!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(44)

Manhattan Infidel Presents: Your Daily Horoscope (The Hooray for Hollywood Edition)

Horoscope not legally binding

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s Thursday. That means I have to write a post. But I got nothing. Almost as much nothing as Robert Mueller and his “investigation.” So I shall fall back upon the first rule of blogging: When you have nothing watch Japanese lesbian porn. Um, actually I think that’s more of a tradition rather than an official rule. So instead it’s time for yet another horoscope.

Aquarius (January 20th – February 18th)

You need to let others know that you are not going to be an easy touch, Unless you want that movie role. That’s just the way Hollywood works. Come on honey.  He just wants to pleasure himself while you watch. Is that too much to ask?

Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)

You will need to be a lot more adventurous than usual. Don’t be scared to look further afield for your pleasures. In fact you’re in the lobby of a famous producer’s hotel aren’t you? He invited  you up to “talk about a script.” Go to his room. Bring lube and don’t talk about what happens until 30 years later when you will be saluted for your bravery for being the 37th actress to accuse said producer.

Aries (March 21st – April 19th)

Someone in a position of authority will give you a hard time for no good reason today. Other than rejecting his sexual advances. Hey, you wanted to be an actress didn’t you honey? So unless you want to spend your life doing dinner theater in Boise, Idaho close your eyes and let the man touch you. Is Paris worth a mass? Of course it was. Is your career worth some non-consensual sex? Of course it is.

Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)

Do you go along with majority opinion for the sake of a peaceful life, or do you kick up a fuss and refuse to play ball? Speaking of balls there are two in your face right now. He’s a producer and you had better give him what he wants. But don’t worry. He’s a progressive who donates to Planned Parenthood. That makes it okay.

Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)

Start the week off by doing something you enjoy, like consensual sex with a loved one. On second thought scrap that idea. Listen honey there’s always someone younger and thinner so put on those knee pads and service the man. If he gives you the role you might win an Oscar,which could lead to acceptance by your peers, drug addiction, domestic abuse and  a possible murder charge. You might even get to play yourself in the movie about your life.

Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)

The difference between success and failure this coming week will depend on how quickly you can get your panties off and into that producer’s bed. Or on the table in his office. Or up against the wall in his office. Or bent over the table in his office. Remember, in Hollywood sex is a medium of exchange and probably worth more than the dollar.

Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)

There have been times of late when it seemed as if you were no longer master of your fate. But that is not true. You are the master of your fate. All you have to do is let the producer take off his bathroom and pleasure himself in front of you. He may occasionally reach out and grab your breasts which hopefully aren’t small or you’ll never make it in Hollywood.

Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)

You will learn something to your advantage this week, something that your rivals and competitors would rather you did not know about. Yes you have pictures of a famous producer naked with sheep. You could use this to to blackmail him but instead you will burn the photos because your conscience bothers you. That is why in 30 years you will be waiting tables at a Pizza Hut in Oswego, New York. Schmuck.

Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)

You are determined to get your share of the good things in life and you are determined to do what it takes. In other words you will let producers pass you around at private parties. You will be known as a “good time girl.” Sadly you will only get bit parts in cheap, independently-made movies. Your body shall be found in a reservoir years later.

Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)

Success will come easily to you but it won’t just happen as if by magic. No you need to brush up on your sexual technique. Sadly too much penetration will widen your vagina to the point that sex will no longer be enjoyable. But you did get to make a few commercials so I guess it was worth it. You will go missing years later. People will claim they can still see your ghost riding Greyhound buses back and forth between Paducah, Kentucky and Hollywood.

Sagittarius ( November 22nd – December 21st)

You may need to make an effort to explain yourself to other people today. Specifically why did you walk out of that naked producer’s hotel room without letting him pleasure himself in front of you? Are you trying to ruin your reputation? What are you? A conservative? You’ll never work in this town again!

Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th)

You will never to worry about sexual harassment. You’re a Capricorn and no one wants to have sex with you anyway. With no physical charms and not being able to use your body your chances of success in Hollywood are minimal. May we suggest a career in radio?

(13)

Ents “Freaking Annoyed” by Tree Huggers!

I hate tree huggers!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Ents of Middle Earth, normally a patient and deliberate people, have announced that the next “tree hugging son of a bitch” who visits their lands will be “torn to pieces.”

“What’s up with these leftist tree huggers” said Treebeard, the oldest of the Ents.

They come into our forest without so much as a how-do-you-do and they start having picnics, smoking pot and having sex right. And not just conventional sex. I mean I did some freaky stuff in my day but what the hell? Right in front of us. All these young tree huggers think about is satisfying each other. And we can’t do anything but watch.  I mean I may be an ancient tree but that doesn’t mean I don’t like action. How about polishing my tree bark while your at it?  But no. 

If the illicit and quite public sexual activity weren’t enough to annoy the Ents the tree huggers bring with them their own drum circle.

Ents like peace and quiet. But these tree hugging idiots bring iPads and blast their music. Then they form drum circles. What the hell is the point of a drum circle? I spoke to my friend the Grinch and we just commiserated about the damn noise. If I had a dog who could pretend he was a reindeer I’d take away all their Christmas presents. And I wouldn’t be a total bitch and give them back. Then they link arms and dance around me like I was some sort of god I’m not a god. I’m godlike but that’s just my Ent nature. Super annoying to be danced around.

And then their is the garbage. Tons of it.

We Ents don’t virtual signal and call ourselves environmentalists but we do love and respect the environment. We’re not just talk. But these freaking tree-hugging leftists leave piles of garbage all around when they leave. It’s disgusting. I ask them to pick up after themselves. I plead with them. Do you know what these punks say?  “Don’t worry. Someone else will do it for us.” That’s socialism for you. Don’t do any hard work. It’s always someone else’s responsibility.

But the worst thing the Ents have to witness would be the rapes.

These hippie tree-hugging gals keep inviting the men into their tents. Men they’ve never met before. Is it any wonder that some of them get raped? Stop trusting these strange men. They only have one thing on their mind. Well two on Sunday’s during football season. Though I myself stopped watching football when the millionaire brats started disrespecting the National Anthem. I tell you sometimes I feel like gathering the other Ents together for a conference and deciding what to do about these hippies.

***************************************************************************************************************

Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

***************************************************************************************************************

The Ents have attacked a hippie commune, destroying it entirely.

“This was done in pure fury” said a witness. “They took every VW Bug and crushed it and the occupants inside.”

But on the plus side? The Ents cleaned up after themselves when the attack was over.

(6)

The Hollywood Producer’s Handbook on Avoiding Sexual Assault Allegations

Do not touch me there! Yah! Do not touch me there!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Using my connections in show biz meth dealers I was able to obtain a copy of The Hollywood Producer’s Handbook. This handbook, used widely by powerful men in Hollywood, is the go-to book for producers. I have reprinted a particularly relevant chapter on avoiding sexual assault allegations.

What Constitutes So-Called Sexual Assault?

  • Did you stick your d*ck in an actress’s mouth?

This seems pretty straightforward at first but it can be complicated.  Not sticking your d*ck in her mouth does not constitute sexual assault.

Did stick your d*ck in her mouth and it was consensual? You’re still on shaky legal ground. Before sticking your d*ck in her mouth have her sign that release form. In triplicate.

If you stuck your d*ck in her mouth and it was not consensual this is what prosecutors call “sexual assault.” (I know, who knew?) If you have done this it helps if you make a donation to Planned Parenthood or announce on your Twitter feed that you are going to fight the NRA.

  • Did you stick your d*ck in an actor’s mouth?

Again, as with actresses not sticking your d*ck in an actor’s mouth is not considered sexual assault. It is considered unusual in Hollywood but not a crime.

Did you stick your d*ck in an actor’s mouth and it was consensual? Good for you. Was he over 17 years old? If so you are are on firm legal ground and can rest easy.

Did you stick your d*ck in the mouth of a boy under 17 years of age? Prosecutors call this “Statutory rape.”  Prosecutors!  Such puritans!

  • Did you stick your d*ck in an actress’s rectum?

You did?  Who do you think you are? Roman Polanski? Need I remind you that sticking your d*ck in an actress’s rectum is a privilege reserved for artists. As a producer you are merely the money man and must settle for oral and/or vaginal penetration. Hey, no one said life was fair.

If you did not stick your d*ck in an actress’s rectum then you have nothing to worry about. Probably.

  • Did you stick your d*ck in an actor’s rectum?

If he was over 17 don’t worry about it. Most actors enjoy anal sex. Along with divorce, cocaine addiction and insulting Trump voters it is considered a bonding ritual.

Was he under 17?  He was? If you want to stick your d*ck in an underage boy’s rectum make sure you are in Thailand. Chances are you won’t be prosecuted.

  • There is a smoking hot actress in your office who says she will do anything, and I mean anything, for that coveted movie role.  What should you do?

Is she Asian? She is? Well hot diggity! You’ve hit the jackpot. It’s time for oral and vaginal penetration. But remember, anal penetration is reserved only for artists.

She’s not Asian?  Then this applies:

I hope you have enjoyed this fascinating peak into the world of powerful Hollywood producers.

(23)

He Man Apologizes for Toxic Masculinity!

I realize I represent a narrow and out-dated view of masculinity!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Superhero He Man today issued a mea culpa to his friends, fans and enemies where he expressed “remorse and regret” for his physical appearance and actions.

“I realize now that my look, my name and my actions represent a history of patriarchal oppression” said the contrite He Man.

I am a changing, evolving person. Times change. Styles and tastes change.  I am from a different era. An era when men ruled everything and women stayed home. I came of age in a time with a narrow, binary definition of masculinity. Men were expected to be strong. Physically and emotionally. In my attempts to help people I adhered to my narrow, cisgender mindset. On occasion I have used my super strength to lift mountains and icebergs and hurl them towards my intended target. Not only was I giving into my white male rage but I was also destroying the environment by doing so. An environment that the brothers and sisters of color, who naturally live in harmony with nature, worship. This must change. I am the change I have been waiting for.

He Man has also promised to be less binary and more gender-fluid.

Why am I called “He Man?”  Is this something to be proud of? Or does it intimidate my fellow human beings? Look at my outfit. It is designed to draw attention to and accentuate my genitalia. Many people have been triggered by my genitalia.  At least that’s what I call them. I understand the kids refer to it now as “junk.”  I have junk of intimidation.  I will be changing my work clothes to something that is less triggering and gender neutral. I want to set a good example for the he/shes of young America.

He then went on to express his long-hidden admiration for frequent “frenemy” Skeletor.

My toxic masculinity and white male rage has made me waste my most precious years fighting Skeletor? For what? Why? Is he not entitled to Castle Grayskull? Or was my binary mindset preventing me from acknowledging my dormant love for him? Skeletor is a person of color. An intellect. I could learn a lot from him. I want to be his friend. His companion. His lover. 

Together these two represent a  paradigm shift

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can finally say that. The two of us together can show the world that fluid gender roles are nothing to be afraid of. And when we capture Castle Grayskull I hope he will let me decorate it.  I know a few antique shops where I can find a few bargains.

When asked about He Man’s change of attitude, Skeletor admitted to mixed feelings.

“Yeah sure it’ll be nice not having him trying to kill me all the time. But to tell the truth I liked him better before he became such a whiny, sensitive Emo bitch.”

(20)

Manhattan Infidel Presents: Your Daily Horoscope (The Life is Short and Brutish and Always Carry a Shovel Edition)

Horoscope not legally binding

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After a week of sex scandal news and posts we at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ believe it’s time to take a step back with a lighter post. And so presented for your approval is the daily horoscope. (Horoscope not valid where prohibited by law.)

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

It’s not easy changing other people’s perceptions. Give them the facts and let them make up their own minds. But who are we kidding. That won’t work. People are stupid irrational animals. So just stay on your couch drinking beer. Lock the door too because your attempt to change other people’s perceptions has angered the neighborhood.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Someone you work or do business with needs your assistance and you know if you don’t give it they could be in serious trouble. Then again it’s not your problem.  Tell them to find someone else to get rid of the bodies in his crawlspace. Look we all have tempers but it’s not necessary to kill everybody who says Van Halen was better with Sammy Hagar. Just kill a few. The others will learn to keep quiet.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

A friend is doing everything in their power to get you to agree to join them in some sort of venture. But like the Pisces who refused to help his neighbor with his crawlspace it’s not your problem if your friend impregnated the babysitter. You know nothing. You heard nothing. Those gunshots?  Not your problem.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Listen to your inner voice and do what it tells you, even if friends and family and work colleagues are screaming at you to do something different. What do they know about true love? Your inner voice says marry your dog. Your friends and family cannot accept the reality of interspecies love. Not your problem pal. Just check the laws in your State first to see if interspecies marriage is allowed. At this point I believe it’s just California. Possibly New Hampshire.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

What looks like a serious problem at the moment will look completely different once the Oxycontin takes effect, so stay calm and don’t make any sudden moves. Especially since the police know you married your dog and have your house surrounded. They call you a pervert but you’re just misunderstood. You do have a sexy dog. Hey, I’ve thought about it myself. But then again I’m not a complete idiot like you are.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

An issue you thought had been dealt with months ago will make an unwelcome reappearance over the next few days. You should have buried the hooker deeper in your back yard.  Or was it the babysitter your impregnated?  Probably doesn’t matter at this point. I bet you could use the Gemini’s Oxycontin right now.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

No matter how exciting a work colleague makes a new project sound you must not take on any more duties or responsibilities. Especially if it involves helping him bury a dead body deep in his back yard. He’ll probably screw it up and the rotting flesh will come up to the surface even if you help because no one ever listens to you. I mean you’re a freaking Leo for god’s sake.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You are not the sort to give in to threats but it might be wise to bend a little this time. After all your neighbor has a shotgun, a shovel and a bag that may or may not contain a body. Help him! Unless he’s a Leo. Leo bastard probably would wet his pants if he fired a shotgun anyway. So just ignore him. On second thought film him burying the body and use the tape to blackmail him. 

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Mercury in your sign links with Uranus, planet of changes, this week and what that suggests is you need to go back and take another look at a decision you made a few weeks ago. Sure she was hot but that burning in your genitals?  Might be VD. Get it checked. Remember, every time you have sex you’re not just having sex with them but every person they’ve had sex with. And who can afford to buy that many people dinner?

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

Someone who knows how easy it is to play on your feelings will try to upset you this week but you must not let them get under your skin. Unless they have footage of you burying a body in your back yard. In which case you should give them the money they want. Or sand down your fingerprints, get a fake social security number and move to another state.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)

Be honest with others about what it is you hope to achieve, both in your work and in your private life, even though you know they probably won’t agree with you. Though I honestly don’t know why they wouldn’t agree with you. It’s not your fault. You didn’t hear her say the safe word. (Who knew leather masks could muffle voices so much). It’s not your fault! I mean what’s a little rough sex between consenting adults. Pro tip: Ask a Cancer for advice on the best way to bury a body.

Capricorn (December 23 – January 19)

You seem to be out of favor with someone on the work front at the moment but don’t let it worry you. You’re a Capricorn after all. And no one likes Capricorns. Seriously. You have no social skills and probably spend your spare time writing a stupid blog or something. You’ve probably never even known the touch of a woman. Consensually I mean. And give that Cancer his damn shovel back. A Sagittarius needs it.

(6)

Hollywood to Make Biopic of Harvey Weinstein; Hugh Jackman to Play Title Role!

The true story shall be told!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With the downfall of Harvey Weinstein still fresh, it has been learned that a major studio in Hollywood is preparing a biography of Weinstein.

“We have to strike when the actress is hot as we like to say” said a famous producer.

The story has everything: Name recognition. Power. Glamour. Sex. Scandal. Jews. We’re going to do what Hollywood does best:  Tell the truth. Unless our lawyers tell us otherwise. Then we’ll make some stuff up.

The biopic will be a story of the rise, fall and redemption of Harvey Weinstein.

The first half will cover his rise and fall and the last half will be about his redemption. Naturally no one knows how the story will end so we hired some of Hollywood’s best screenwriters to write several scenarios for the ending. We’ll test them with audiences and use the one that seems most plausible. Or the one that attacks Trump and the people who voted for him. Probably the one that attacks Trump and those who voted for him.

Among the scenarios for the ending the one that seems to gaining the most ground is where Weinstein, freshly back from sex rehab, produces an uplifting biography of Roman Polanski entitled “Bathtub of Innocence.”

We here at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have obtained a portion of the script which we now present:

Weinstein, wearing the robes of a monk, talks to George Clooney about his downfall, changing tastes and the movie he is making.

HW:  I tell you George I don’t understand the world.  Sure I was a sleazeball sexual harasser but I always gave money to the Democrats and Planned Parenthood. I’m very pro-abortion. That used to be a get-out-of-jail-free card for any sexual misconduct. Women love when you do that and will forgive you anything. 

GC:  You’re a victim my friend. A victim of the Republicans and their war on women. I am ashamed of this deeply racist and misogynistic country. How could America reject Hillary Clinton for Donald Trump?

HW: George, it’s not for us to question the wisdom of the voters.

GC:  You are so correct Harvey. I sometimes forget we are merely entertainers, not the conscience of America. So tell me about Bathtub of Innocence.

HW: The whole movie is about Roman Polanski and his attempts to clear his name after being accused of statutory rape. I mean it wasn’t rape, rape. All he did was ask her into his bathtub so he could perform anal sex.

GC: America is so puritanical.

HW:  Trump!

GC:  I am disgusted!

Australian Heartthrob Hugh Jackman has been signed to play Weinstein.

“I am delighted to have this role” said Jackman.

I’ve known Harvey for years and am disgusted by the way puritanical, racist, misogynistic America has blackened his name. I will bring humanity to the character of Weinstein and look forward to raping all those actresses. Um. On camera I mean. Um. On camera for the movie I mean.

The film, entitled “Casting Couch of Innocence” is due for release in 2019.

(69)

Matt Damon: Ben Affleck Groped Me!

No one gropes me but the producers of my movies!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hollywood’s burgeoning sex scandal involving Harvey Weinstein has enmeshed another celebrity as Matt Damon went gone on record saying that Ben Affleck “groped me and has engaged in inappropriate behavior” going back two decades.

“I was young and wanted a film career” said Damon.

I knew Ben casually from around town. I knew he was a writer, director and producer. A handsome man with hair that some say might be a toupee. Anyway he invited me to his place. When I showed up he was in a bathing suit and said “Do you want to get all wet?”  I immediately wanted to get out of there but I had my career to think about. Then he handed me a bathing suit. I put it on and he said that I looked good with my shirt off.  We swam in his pool. Then I left, went home and cried.

It was not Affleck’s last inappropriate contact with Damon.

He grabbed my ass! A few years later I was at a Golden Globes after party and Affleck walked right up to me and put his arm around my shoulder for a photo op. Well that’s normal but then I felt his arm slide down. It wasn’t quite on my ass but it was on the ass demilitarized zone on my lower back. I tensed up and thought “Oh god here we go again.”  I mean no one gets to touch my ass unless they are producing my movie. I have morals you know!

Things only got worse after Affleck was signed to play Batman.

He kept calling me in the middle of the night and saying “I’m Batman!”  It was really annoying. I felt violated. My safe space was a safe space no more. Then my beloved wife, who is the only person besides Hollywood producers I let touch my ass, said I should go over to his place and confront him. When I got there he was dressed as Batman. 

Look at my nipples!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 “Do you like how this suit accentuates my nipples?” he asked me.  “I got it from Clooney.” Then he asked me how much I weighed and put his arm around me. Next think I know we are rappelling to the ceiling using some sort of Bat toy. Again the hand while not technically on my ass was in the ass demilitarized zone. No one but a producer, and my wife, get to touch me there. I guess I wouldn’t mind if I could be sure that was Affleck’s real hair. Looks like a weave or something. I knew then that I had to go public with my concerns.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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Ben Aflleck acknowledged his conduct and has asked for forgiveness.

“I have behaved in the past inappropriately towards Matt Damon. I apologize for my actions.  Good. That ought to hold the little bitch. What? The microphone is still on?  Goddamn it! I haven’t been so angry since the time I grabbed Mark Wahlberg’s ass by mistake. I thought it was Damon’s!”

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