Manhattan Infidel Presents: Your Daily Horoscope (The Life is Short and Brutish and Always Carry a Shovel Edition)

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Horoscope not legally binding

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After a week of sex scandal news and posts we at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ believe it’s time to take a step back with a lighter post. And so presented for your approval is the daily horoscope. (Horoscope not valid where prohibited by law.)

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

It’s not easy changing other people’s perceptions. Give them the facts and let them make up their own minds. But who are we kidding. That won’t work. People are stupid irrational animals. So just stay on your couch drinking beer. Lock the door too because your attempt to change other people’s perceptions has angered the neighborhood.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Someone you work or do business with needs your assistance and you know if you don’t give it they could be in serious trouble. Then again it’s not your problem.  Tell them to find someone else to get rid of the bodies in his crawlspace. Look we all have tempers but it’s not necessary to kill everybody who says Van Halen was better with Sammy Hagar. Just kill a few. The others will learn to keep quiet.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

A friend is doing everything in their power to get you to agree to join them in some sort of venture. But like the Pisces who refused to help his neighbor with his crawlspace it’s not your problem if your friend impregnated the babysitter. You know nothing. You heard nothing. Those gunshots?  Not your problem.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Listen to your inner voice and do what it tells you, even if friends and family and work colleagues are screaming at you to do something different. What do they know about true love? Your inner voice says marry your dog. Your friends and family cannot accept the reality of interspecies love. Not your problem pal. Just check the laws in your State first to see if interspecies marriage is allowed. At this point I believe it’s just California. Possibly New Hampshire.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

What looks like a serious problem at the moment will look completely different once the Oxycontin takes effect, so stay calm and don’t make any sudden moves. Especially since the police know you married your dog and have your house surrounded. They call you a pervert but you’re just misunderstood. You do have a sexy dog. Hey, I’ve thought about it myself. But then again I’m not a complete idiot like you are.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

An issue you thought had been dealt with months ago will make an unwelcome reappearance over the next few days. You should have buried the hooker deeper in your back yard.  Or was it the babysitter your impregnated?  Probably doesn’t matter at this point. I bet you could use the Gemini’s Oxycontin right now.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

No matter how exciting a work colleague makes a new project sound you must not take on any more duties or responsibilities. Especially if it involves helping him bury a dead body deep in his back yard. He’ll probably screw it up and the rotting flesh will come up to the surface even if you help because no one ever listens to you. I mean you’re a freaking Leo for god’s sake.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You are not the sort to give in to threats but it might be wise to bend a little this time. After all your neighbor has a shotgun, a shovel and a bag that may or may not contain a body. Help him! Unless he’s a Leo. Leo bastard probably would wet his pants if he fired a shotgun anyway. So just ignore him. On second thought film him burying the body and use the tape to blackmail him. 

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Mercury in your sign links with Uranus, planet of changes, this week and what that suggests is you need to go back and take another look at a decision you made a few weeks ago. Sure she was hot but that burning in your genitals?  Might be VD. Get it checked. Remember, every time you have sex you’re not just having sex with them but every person they’ve had sex with. And who can afford to buy that many people dinner?

Scorpio (October 23 – November 22)

Someone who knows how easy it is to play on your feelings will try to upset you this week but you must not let them get under your skin. Unless they have footage of you burying a body in your back yard. In which case you should give them the money they want. Or sand down your fingerprints, get a fake social security number and move to another state.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)

Be honest with others about what it is you hope to achieve, both in your work and in your private life, even though you know they probably won’t agree with you. Though I honestly don’t know why they wouldn’t agree with you. It’s not your fault. You didn’t hear her say the safe word. (Who knew leather masks could muffle voices so much). It’s not your fault! I mean what’s a little rough sex between consenting adults. Pro tip: Ask a Cancer for advice on the best way to bury a body.

Capricorn (December 23 – January 19)

You seem to be out of favor with someone on the work front at the moment but don’t let it worry you. You’re a Capricorn after all. And no one likes Capricorns. Seriously. You have no social skills and probably spend your spare time writing a stupid blog or something. You’ve probably never even known the touch of a woman. Consensually I mean. And give that Cancer his damn shovel back. A Sagittarius needs it.

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2 Responses

  1. MadMax says:

    Hmmm. Why do some of these make sense?

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