Do not touch me there! Yah! Do not touch me there!

Using my connections in show biz meth dealers I was able to obtain a copy of The Hollywood Producer’s Handbook. This handbook, used widely by powerful men in Hollywood, is the go-to book for producers. I have reprinted a particularly relevant chapter on avoiding sexual assault allegations.

What Constitutes So-Called Sexual Assault?

• Did you stick your d*ck in an actress’s mouth?

This seems pretty straightforward at first but it can be complicated.  Not sticking your d*ck in her mouth does not constitute sexual assault.

Did stick your d*ck in her mouth and it was consensual? You’re still on shaky legal ground. Before sticking your d*ck in her mouth have her sign that release form. In triplicate.

If you stuck your d*ck in her mouth and it was not consensual this is what prosecutors call “sexual assault.” (I know, who knew?) If you have done this it helps if you make a donation to Planned Parenthood or announce on your Twitter feed that you are going to fight the NRA.

• Did you stick your d*ck in an actor’s mouth?

Again, as with actresses not sticking your d*ck in an actor’s mouth is not considered sexual assault. It is considered unusual in Hollywood but not a crime.

Did you stick your d*ck in an actor’s mouth and it was consensual? Good for you. Was he over 17 years old? If so you are are on firm legal ground and can rest easy.

Did you stick your d*ck in the mouth of a boy under 17 years of age? Prosecutors call this “Statutory rape.”  Prosecutors!  Such puritans!

• Did you stick your d*ck in an actress’s rectum?

You did?  Who do you think you are? Roman Polanski? Need I remind you that sticking your d*ck in an actress’s rectum is a privilege reserved for artists. As a producer you are merely the money man and must settle for oral and/or vaginal penetration. Hey, no one said life was fair.

If you did not stick your d*ck in an actress’s rectum then you have nothing to worry about. Probably.

• Did you stick your d*ck in an actor’s rectum?

If he was over 17 don’t worry about it. Most actors enjoy anal sex. Along with divorce, cocaine addiction and insulting Trump voters it is considered a bonding ritual.

Was he under 17?  He was? If you want to stick your d*ck in an underage boy’s rectum make sure you are in Thailand. Chances are you won’t be prosecuted.

• There is a smoking hot actress in your office who says she will do anything, and I mean anything, for that coveted movie role.  What should you do?

Is she Asian? She is? Well hot diggity! You’ve hit the jackpot. It’s time for oral and vaginal penetration. But remember, anal penetration is reserved only for artists.

She’s not Asian?  Then this applies:

I hope you have enjoyed this fascinating peak into the world of powerful Hollywood producers.

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