Horoscope not legally binding

It’s Thursday. That means I have to write a post. But I got nothing. Almost as much nothing as Robert Mueller and his “investigation.” So I shall fall back upon the first rule of blogging: When you have nothing watch Japanese lesbian porn. Um, actually I think that’s more of a tradition rather than an official rule. So instead it’s time for yet another horoscope.

Aquarius (January 20th – February 18th)

You need to let others know that you are not going to be an easy touch, Unless you want that movie role. That’s just the way Hollywood works. Come on honey.  He just wants to pleasure himself while you watch. Is that too much to ask?

Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)

You will need to be a lot more adventurous than usual. Don’t be scared to look further afield for your pleasures. In fact you’re in the lobby of a famous producer’s hotel aren’t you? He invited  you up to “talk about a script.” Go to his room. Bring lube and don’t talk about what happens until 30 years later when you will be saluted for your bravery for being the 37th actress to accuse said producer.

Aries (March 21st – April 19th)

Someone in a position of authority will give you a hard time for no good reason today. Other than rejecting his sexual advances. Hey, you wanted to be an actress didn’t you honey? So unless you want to spend your life doing dinner theater in Boise, Idaho close your eyes and let the man touch you. Is Paris worth a mass? Of course it was. Is your career worth some non-consensual sex? Of course it is.

Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)

Do you go along with majority opinion for the sake of a peaceful life, or do you kick up a fuss and refuse to play ball? Speaking of balls there are two in your face right now. He’s a producer and you had better give him what he wants. But don’t worry. He’s a progressive who donates to Planned Parenthood. That makes it okay.

Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)

Start the week off by doing something you enjoy, like consensual sex with a loved one. On second thought scrap that idea. Listen honey there’s always someone younger and thinner so put on those knee pads and service the man. If he gives you the role you might win an Oscar,which could lead to acceptance by your peers, drug addiction, domestic abuse and  a possible murder charge. You might even get to play yourself in the movie about your life.

Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)

The difference between success and failure this coming week will depend on how quickly you can get your panties off and into that producer’s bed. Or on the table in his office. Or up against the wall in his office. Or bent over the table in his office. Remember, in Hollywood sex is a medium of exchange and probably worth more than the dollar.

Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)

There have been times of late when it seemed as if you were no longer master of your fate. But that is not true. You are the master of your fate. All you have to do is let the producer take off his bathroom and pleasure himself in front of you. He may occasionally reach out and grab your breasts which hopefully aren’t small or you’ll never make it in Hollywood.

Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)

You will learn something to your advantage this week, something that your rivals and competitors would rather you did not know about. Yes you have pictures of a famous producer naked with sheep. You could use this to to blackmail him but instead you will burn the photos because your conscience bothers you. That is why in 30 years you will be waiting tables at a Pizza Hut in Oswego, New York. Schmuck.

Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)

You are determined to get your share of the good things in life and you are determined to do what it takes. In other words you will let producers pass you around at private parties. You will be known as a “good time girl.” Sadly you will only get bit parts in cheap, independently-made movies. Your body shall be found in a reservoir years later.

Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)

Success will come easily to you but it won’t just happen as if by magic. No you need to brush up on your sexual technique. Sadly too much penetration will widen your vagina to the point that sex will no longer be enjoyable. But you did get to make a few commercials so I guess it was worth it. You will go missing years later. People will claim they can still see your ghost riding Greyhound buses back and forth between Paducah, Kentucky and Hollywood.

Sagittarius ( November 22nd – December 21st)

You may need to make an effort to explain yourself to other people today. Specifically why did you walk out of that naked producer’s hotel room without letting him pleasure himself in front of you? Are you trying to ruin your reputation? What are you? A conservative? You’ll never work in this town again!

Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th)

You will never to worry about sexual harassment. You’re a Capricorn and no one wants to have sex with you anyway. With no physical charms and not being able to use your body your chances of success in Hollywood are minimal. May we suggest a career in radio?

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