I hate tree huggers!

The Ents of Middle Earth, normally a patient and deliberate people, have announced that the next “tree hugging son of a bitch” who visits their lands will be “torn to pieces.”

“What’s up with these leftist tree huggers” said Treebeard, the oldest of the Ents.

They come into our forest without so much as a how-do-you-do and they start having picnics, smoking pot and having sex right. And not just conventional sex. I mean I did some freaky stuff in my day but what the hell? Right in front of us. All these young tree huggers think about is satisfying each other. And we can’t do anything but watch.  I mean I may be an ancient tree but that doesn’t mean I don’t like action. How about polishing my tree bark while your at it?  But no. 

If the illicit and quite public sexual activity weren’t enough to annoy the Ents the tree huggers bring with them their own drum circle.

Ents like peace and quiet. But these tree hugging idiots bring iPads and blast their music. Then they form drum circles. What the hell is the point of a drum circle? I spoke to my friend the Grinch and we just commiserated about the damn noise. If I had a dog who could pretend he was a reindeer I’d take away all their Christmas presents. And I wouldn’t be a total bitch and give them back. Then they link arms and dance around me like I was some sort of god I’m not a god. I’m godlike but that’s just my Ent nature. Super annoying to be danced around.

And then their is the garbage. Tons of it.

We Ents don’t virtual signal and call ourselves environmentalists but we do love and respect the environment. We’re not just talk. But these freaking tree-hugging leftists leave piles of garbage all around when they leave. It’s disgusting. I ask them to pick up after themselves. I plead with them. Do you know what these punks say?  “Don’t worry. Someone else will do it for us.” That’s socialism for you. Don’t do any hard work. It’s always someone else’s responsibility.

But the worst thing the Ents have to witness would be the rapes.

These hippie tree-hugging gals keep inviting the men into their tents. Men they’ve never met before. Is it any wonder that some of them get raped? Stop trusting these strange men. They only have one thing on their mind. Well two on Sunday’s during football season. Though I myself stopped watching football when the millionaire brats started disrespecting the National Anthem. I tell you sometimes I feel like gathering the other Ents together for a conference and deciding what to do about these hippies.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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The Ents have attacked a hippie commune, destroying it entirely.

“This was done in pure fury” said a witness. “They took every VW Bug and crushed it and the occupants inside.”

But on the plus side? The Ents cleaned up after themselves when the attack was over.

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