Matt Damon: Ben Affleck Groped Me!

No one gropes me but the producers of my movies!







Hollywood’s burgeoning sex scandal involving Harvey Weinstein has enmeshed another celebrity as Matt Damon went gone on record saying that Ben Affleck “groped me and has engaged in inappropriate behavior” going back two decades.

“I was young and wanted a film career” said Damon.

I knew Ben casually from around town. I knew he was a writer, director and producer. A handsome man with hair that some say might be a toupee. Anyway he invited me to his place. When I showed up he was in a bathing suit and said “Do you want to get all wet?”  I immediately wanted to get out of there but I had my career to think about. Then he handed me a bathing suit. I put it on and he said that I looked good with my shirt off.  We swam in his pool. Then I left, went home and cried.

It was not Affleck’s last inappropriate contact with Damon.

He grabbed my ass! A few years later I was at a Golden Globes after party and Affleck walked right up to me and put his arm around my shoulder for a photo op. Well that’s normal but then I felt his arm slide down. It wasn’t quite on my ass but it was on the ass demilitarized zone on my lower back. I tensed up and thought “Oh god here we go again.”  I mean no one gets to touch my ass unless they are producing my movie. I have morals you know!

Things only got worse after Affleck was signed to play Batman.

He kept calling me in the middle of the night and saying “I’m Batman!”  It was really annoying. I felt violated. My safe space was a safe space no more. Then my beloved wife, who is the only person besides Hollywood producers I let touch my ass, said I should go over to his place and confront him. When I got there he was dressed as Batman. 

Look at my nipples!








 “Do you like how this suit accentuates my nipples?” he asked me.  “I got it from Clooney.” Then he asked me how much I weighed and put his arm around me. Next think I know we are rappelling to the ceiling using some sort of Bat toy. Again the hand while not technically on my ass was in the ass demilitarized zone. No one but a producer, and my wife, get to touch me there. I guess I wouldn’t mind if I could be sure that was Affleck’s real hair. Looks like a weave or something. I knew then that I had to go public with my concerns.


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Ben Aflleck acknowledged his conduct and has asked for forgiveness.

“I have behaved in the past inappropriately towards Matt Damon. I apologize for my actions.  Good. That ought to hold the little bitch. What? The microphone is still on?  Goddamn it! I haven’t been so angry since the time I grabbed Mark Wahlberg’s ass by mistake. I thought it was Damon’s!”


2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    Look, don’t judge a lone wolf by its, er, pack.

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