This ball can cause drowsiness

A man identified as 32-year old Charles Smith lies in a coma at County General Hospital after viewing a soccer game at a local watering hole.

Sources say he walked past a bar and, upon hearing the boisterous crowd inside, entered and asked if the “football” game was on.  When told that the “football match” was indeed on the “telly” he sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. It was at this point that events started to go south for Smith.  After a brief look at the television he noticed that he was not watching the classic and manly game of  “American Football” but soccer.

Smith did what any red blooded American would do.  He stood up and shouted “What the hell is this crap?”  This drew the attention of the other patrons who surrounded him and urinated on his shoes while saying “C’mon……let’s show this Yank what real football is.”   Smith attempted to leave but his path to the door was blocked by a middle aged man with a shopping cart full of coasters who was loudly demanding buy-backs.

Forced to endure soccer on television, Smith bravely finished his pint before  exclaiming “the horror……the horror” and lapsing into unconsciousness.

Brought to the hospital and placed in intensive care, Smith’s story is becoming all too familiar to Urgent Care Technicians.  “Every year hundreds of Americans become comatose after viewing soccer.  There is something about the game that triggers brain seizures.  Drooling, loss of motor functions and eventually death will result.  It’s a lot like watching the last 4 years of the X Files” says Dr. Ian Washington of County General.

“If an American is confronted with soccer on television he is not to panic but to loudly sing the Notre Dame marching song.   This is the only known antidote.”

Sadly this was knowledge was unknown to Charles Smith.

“Scans show no brain activity whatsoever.  If his condition does not change we may have to nominate him for congress.”

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Robin hood announces his partnership deal

Robin Hood, famous as the outlaw of Sherwood Forest who robbed from the rich and gave to the poor announced today he is joining forces with Nike.

Standing next to Nike Chairman Philip Knight, Robin Hood announced an exclusive sponsorship deal that will extend into the 2020s.  With his arm draped around Robin Hood, Knight expressed pleasure to have the merry outlaw associated with his brand.

“Robin Hood and Nike, two brand names that deserve to be together.”

The specifics of the deal are believed to be that Robin Hood, in addition to appearing in Nike commercials will have to use the phrase “You’ve just been robbed by Robin of Da Hood” when taking peoples money.

When asked about this Knight said “We persuaded Robin to add ‘Da Hood’ to his name because we are going for a young, urban hip hop theme.  We believe this is the only way to capture that all-important 18-25 upper middle class white male suburban demographic.”

Among other changes:  Green tights are out.  Gold chains are in.

“Yeah, I kinda liked the green tights.  I’ve been wearing them for years.  But focus groups found that they made me look too French” Robin said.  “I don’t personally like the gold chains.  They hurt my back and impede my archery. But hey, I’m just a guy from Sherwood Forest.  If they tell me to ditch the tights and wear gold chains, I ditch the freaking tights and wear gold chains.”

If Robin appeared hesitant it was with good reason.  Rumor has it that he was an unwilling participant in the Nike deal.

“Robin faced reality.  He has defaulted on several loans and was in danger of having his assets frozen.  Nike zoomed in and bought him out. He will now be nothing more than a figure head in Hood Enterprises”  said business reporter Trish Brown.  “His downfall all goes back to that embarassing incident where he robbed a bus full of orphans.  No one believed Hood’s excuse that they looked like rich orphans. This caused his company’s shares to fall and he lost many key endorsements.”

However,  damaged as Robin Hood’s stock may be, he is still a recognizable brand name and it made sense for Nike to buy him.

Also hurting Hood were the defections of key personnel such as Friar Tuck, who left and married his boyfriend in a civil ceremony in Vermont and Maid Marion who took a leave of absence to appear on “The Bachelor.”  In addition there were Hood’s difficulties with the Sheriff of Nottingham.  As he has often complained, “The Sheriff of Nottingham always hated me.  For what?  I don’t know!  Every time I plant a seed he said ‘kill it before it grows.’ “

However, all is not bad news for Robin.  Upon announcing the merger, shares of his stock rose 25%.

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Today in City Hall Park thousands rallied to free the so-called “Oxygen Radicals”.

“We will not rest as long as our government has the oxygen radicals in jail.  This is a travesty!” said Ronald Marxman of Brooklyn who was elected spokesman for the protestors based on the fact that he had the largest paper mache puppet at the rally.

“We want these radicals freed now.  We will not rest until our radicals walk amongst us.”

As on queue the crowd chanted in unison “Free the Oxygen Radicals”, “Hands off our Radicals”, and oddly, “Death to Soupy Sales”.

Next to address the rally was Janeane Garafolo who said “Anyone who keeps the radicals in jail has a personality disorder.  And they’re fat.  P.S. Watch me on ’24’ only on Fox.  It’s a brand new day”

Before the crowd could get too unruly, the NYPD brought to the stage a professor of biology at NYU who explained that the free radicals were not in fact jailed ’60s dissidents but an atom or group of atoms that have one or more unpaired electrons.  This quieted the crowd somewhat as several asked “what did he say“, “tell us more“, and  “Is Soupy Sales mixed up in this?”

One member of the crowd summed up his disappointment at the news.  “Do you know how long it takes to make a giant paper mache puppet of George Bush being sodomized by Dick Cheney being sodomized by Condoleeza Rice?  And now you’re telling me the Oxygen Radicals aren’t even people?”

Emboldened, the professor (who first had to convince the crowd that he was not the same professor from “Gilligan’s Island” and that he could fix a hole in the side of a boat) went on:  “Oxygen Radicals are not always bad.  You see, during phagocytosis -“

The mention of phagocytosis renewed the crowd’s energy as they started chanting “Hate crime! Hate crime!” before shaking their index fingers at the professor yelling “Don’t give us your white male hatred!” and throwing their shoes at him.  The professor was quickly hustled off stage by the NYPD who then broke up the rally.

The dissapointed rally participants then marched down to the Bowery to hold an anti-Soupy Sales protest.  As they marched downtown they left behind two 30ish woman who came from Westchester County. 

“We thought the rally was about the Oxygen Network.  We hired baby sitters……..”

No word on whether the women were able to make it back home.

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A drum kit rumored to have been used by Karen Carpenter

After their recent show in Tampa Florida members of a successful “Extreme Metal” band packed up their gear.  But behind the scenes was tension. This band has a dark secret:  Its drummer is a fan of the Carpenters.

“As far back as I can remember I’ve always like their sound” declared Danny R.  “Whenever I need to feel happy I put on their music.  Last year when I was having root canal done I told the dentist ‘no anesthesia just put on some Carpenters.’ “

“Did that work?  Did it make you feel happy” I asked?

“I don’t know.  I passed out from the pain.  But the point is when I wanted to go to a safe place, I requested the Carpenters.”

“Danny’s starting to freak us all out” said guitarist Eric H.  “We’d fire him but he owns the van we drive around in.  The other day between gigs he was in the back singing ‘We’ve only just begun’ over and over and over again.  How’d you like that going through your head for 3 hours.  I finally had to pull over to the side of the road and kill a transient.”

What Danny R. has is called “cognitive dissonance” or the ability to hold two contradictory ideas simultaneously.  A common occurance is with smokers, who say they want to live long and healthy lives but engage in a habit that causes lung cancer.  Or a more famous rock example, Keith Moon after trashing hotel rooms used to dress up as a concierge and take messages at the front desk of the place he had just trashed.

“We’ve tried everything to wean Danny off his addiction to the Carpenters.  Once we drugged him full of acid and PCP and threw him in the back of the van.”  said Randy P.  “Damned if he didn’t start singing ‘Rainy Days and Mondays’.  We put tape over his mouth and tied his hands behind his back.  He just grabbed a pen with his mouth and wrote the lyrics out on a piece of paper.”

The other bandmembers became so concerned an intervention was held.  Danny R. was placed in a prison with other hard core inmates.  The intention was to “scare him straight”.  It didn’t work.

“We came back an hour later and Danny had everyone in the cell block singing ‘Close to You.’ “  said Eric H. “I guess we have to admit Danny’s a lost cause.  But what are we going to do?  We almost hired Pete Best but then we found out he was a Celine Dion fan……..Hey, who’s the drummer for Justin Timberlake?”

Extreme metal bands who have a member who loves The Carpenters are advised to cut their losses or add Carpenters music to their repertoire.

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Puff the magic dragon before his arrest

Puff the Magic Dragon was arrested today by authorities after a 3-month investigation into his relationship  with Jackie Paper.  The investigation started at the request of Paper’s father, who was concerned that his son was neglecting his homework to “frolic in the autumn mist”.

“After a thorough investigation we have charged Mr. Dragon with 5 counts of child endangerment.  We have uncovered a pattern of acts that can only be characterized as ‘very disturbing’ ” announced Det. Mike McCartney of the Special Victims Task Force.

“Mr. Dragon would prey upon boys of between 10 and 12 years old.  He would entice them with bags of candy and  promise them trips on his boat and ‘frolicking’ in a world where they would never have to grow up.  Once on his boat he would have them ride upon his tail.  We also have evidence that on occasion he used sealing wax and other fancy stuff on the boys.”

“Because of Mr. Dragon’s celebrity we ask the judge to withhold bail as we believe him to be a flight risk.  We further ask the judge to order Mr. Dragon to turn over his passport from the land of Honah Lee.”

The arrest came shortly before 2 PM local time.  His head bent in sorrow with green scales falling like rain from his body Puff declared his innocence to gathered reporters.  “I’m innocent.  I would never hurt children.  I love children.  This is a nightmare.  I just want to slip back into my cave.”

Puff the Magic Dragon’s arrest has sent shock waves through the tight knit community, with parents wondering how many more victims there are; though one parent said “I should have known.  His MySpace handle was ‘Frolics with Boys. ‘ “

Mr. Dragon’s lawyer in a press conference stated that the charges are false and he looks forward to his client’s full exoneration and an apology from the DA’s office.

Psychologists are urging  parents to talk openly with their children about today’s arrest.  “It’s important that children know that there are bad people in the world but that their parents will always love them and protect them.  And if that doesn’t work, just sedate the sons of bitches” said Dr. Ziegfried Von Halen of the State Department of Health.

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Fending off female advances

Tom S.  had just begun his 11 AM to 7 PM shift when the first sign of trouble appeared.  “In walked this young woman in her 20s.  I remember thinking why would an attractive woman like this be alone and wearing such suggestive clothing.  I didn’t pay too much attention to her at first as the orphanage across the street was letting out for recess.  I like to make sandwiches at home and bring them in to give to the kids.”

“After I finished handing out the sandwiches I noticed her again.  She was unbuttoning her blouse.  As we were in a public space I was perturbed to say the least.  She exposed her firm young breasts and asked me if I wanted to touch them.  Well, you can say I gave her a stern tongue-lashing.  She buttoned back up and left disappointed.”

What happened to Tom S. reflects a growing problem in the industry: How to protect innocent bartenders from advances by ravenous women.  According to statistics released by Bartending Magazine, 96% of those surveyed reported unwelcome sexual advances by women in their 20s. The fear of sexual harassment at work is the top job complaint with savage beatings by English customers second and fear of Gerard Depardieu a distant third.

“Later two strippers came in for a drink.  After a few they tried to dance on the bar.  When I told them they couldn’t they asked me if I wanted a private show.  They kept rubbing up against me and grabbing my private area.  I was horrified as I knew that any minute Father Connelly would be arriving to pray the rosary with me.  I finally told them in no uncertain terms that this conduct would not be tolerated. They left but not before giving me their number, which I immediately threw out.”

When asked to comment, Tom’s boss  Kevin F. replied, “Yeah.  Unfortunately this thing happens all the time.  Which is why I stopped bartending and just hang out in the office crunching the numbers.  I did not go into this business for sordid encounters with young women.  I just want to provide a service to the hard working people of America.”

At the end of Tom’s shift as he was preparing to leave the Swedish Women’s Volleyball team arrived in their uniforms.

“They told me I was cute and asked me if I wanted to see the inside of their bus.  I was worried because I didn’t want to be late to my mentoring meeting after my shift – I volunteer as a big brother to inner city children. I was desperate to do something to distract them. So I grabbed my acoustic guitar and started singing “Cats in the Cradle.’   They became very quiet and fortunately for me the night shift showed up on time as they always do and I was able to leave.”

As Tom left for the night he reflected on another shift and its dangers.

“I’m just trying to make enough money to send kids with cancer to Disney World.  I don’t need this!”

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