Extreme Metal Drummer’s Dark Secret: He Likes the Carpenters

A drum kit rumored to have been used by Karen Carpenter

A drum kit rumored to have been used by Karen Carpenter

After their recent show in Tampa Florida members of a successful “Extreme Metal” band packed up their gear.  But behind the scenes was tension. This band has a dark secret:  Its drummer is a fan of the Carpenters.

“As far back as I can remember I’ve always like their sound” declared Danny R.  “Whenever I need to feel happy I put on their music.  Last year when I was having root canal done I told the dentist ‘no anesthesia just put on some Carpenters.’ “

“Did that work?  Did it make you feel happy” I asked?

I don’t know.  I passed out from the pain.  But the point is when I wanted to go to a safe place, I requested the Carpenters.”

“Danny’s starting to freak us all out” said guitarist Eric H.  “We’d fire him but he owns the van we drive around in.  The other day between gigs he was in the back singing ‘We’ve only just begun’ over and over and over again.  How’d you like that going through your head for 3 hours.  I finally had to pull over to the side of the road and kill a transient.”

What Danny R. has is called “cognitive dissonance” or the ability to hold two contradictory ideas simultaneously.  A common occurance is with smokers, who say they want to live long and healthy lives but engage in a habit that causes lung cancer.  Or a more famous rock example, Keith Moon after trashing hotel rooms used to dress up as a concierge and take messages at the front desk of the place he had just trashed.

“We’ve tried everything to wean Danny off his addiction to the Carpenters.  Once we drugged him full of acid and PCP and threw him in the back of the van.”  said Randy P.  “Damned if he didn’t start singing ‘Rainy Days and Mondays’.  We put tape over his mouth and tied his hands behind his back.  He just grabbed a pen with his mouth and wrote the lyrics out on a piece of paper.”

The other bandmembers became so concerned an intervention was held.  Danny R. was placed in a prison with other hard core inmates.  The intention was to “scare him straight”.  It didn’t work.

“We came back an hour later and Danny had everyone in the cell block singing ‘Close to You.’ “  said Eric H. “I guess we have to admit Danny’s a lost cause.  But what are we going to do?  We almost hired Pete Best but then we found out he was a Celine Dion fan……..Hey, who’s the drummer for Justin Timberlake?”

Extreme metal bands who have a member who loves The Carpenters are advised to cut their losses or add Carpenters music to their repertoire.


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