Santa Grilled on Capitol Hill

Capitalist pig!

Capitalist pig!

Surrounded by cameras, Santa Claus answered questions from a select committee regarding bonuses his company (SantaCorp) has received.

After SantaCorp had received $750 million in stimulus money from the Federal Government, Santa had stoked popular anger by handing out bonuses to employees, including a 4 million dollar bonus to favorite reindeer Rudolph.  The anger directed towards Santa was bipartisan, with Republicans grilling Santa on the immigration status of his elves while Democrats roasted Santa on his appallingly bad hiring record.  (Santa has never hired an elf of color.)

Do you mean to tell us, to tell the American People, that your failed company is using tax payer money to give bonuses to employees? ” said Senator Chris Dodd (D-Connecticut).

Santa defended himself, saying that the bonuses were in the contracts that several of his employees signed and that it would be unconstitutional to interfere with them.

Article 1 Section 10 clause 1 clearly states that congress shall pass no law impairing the obligation of contracts”  Santa said to audible boos from the gallery.

“Don’t you lecture me” shot back Dodd, “We in Congress are not here to protect the Constitution.”

Republican Senator Jim Bunning of Kentucky continued the grilling.  “Is it not true that the only reason Rudolph got a bonus is that you and he have a special relationship?  Is not your marriage in fact over?” 

Santa admitted that he and Mrs. Claus are going through a “tough time” and are separated but denied anything other than a close friendship with Rudolph.

This brought Barbara Boxer (D-California) into the fray.  “I’m sure I speak for all progressive, intelligent, good  Americans when I say I do not care about Mr. Claus’ sexual preference.  I am concerned about how a fat cat like him can come before us wearing a fur suit after flying down here on a gas-guzzling sleigh -“

Santa’s response of “It doesn’t use gas it uses reindeer” was drowned out by shouts of “Fur is murder” and “Sleigh slave driver” from the audience.

Santa seemed overwhelmed by his situation, at one point saying “I just want to bring toys to all the gentile boys and girls.”

A clearly enraged Senator Dodd shouted “So you admit discrimination against Jews?”‘

“It’s a Christian holiday.”

“Your sectarian attitude only increases the risk of religious intolerance” a disgusted Boxer commented.

Santa was also questioned about his environmental record with senators asking about disappearing ice caps.  “Is not the waste from your factories melting the ice cap” asked Boxer.

Santa defended his record stating that except for once where he accidentally he dropped 2000 kerosene heaters on the Island of Misfit Toys his company has a great record regarding the environment.

Naturally I regret this and the resulting destruction of natural resources and wildlife but it was only one unfortunate incident.”

In his closing statement Santa admitted “mistakes” in running his company but  promised better in the future, saying that he is not depending on the stimulus alone to keep SantaCorp afloat  and that he is currently in a reorganization and is holding talks with Japanese toy makers regarding consolidation of resources.

After the hearing as he was leaving Santa was hit in the face by several pies thrown by a protest group calling itself “Global Citizens United Against White Fat Cats”.  Also, Santa’s sleigh and his reindeer were confiscated by Capitol Hill Police “for their own protection” forcing him to fly back to the North Pole on coach.


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