Yankees Sign Walter “Big Train” Johnson to 5-Year Deal

Walter "Big Train" Johnson at today's press conference

Walter “Big Train” Johnson at today’s press conference

The New York Yankees announced today that they have signed Hall of Fame pitcher Walter Johnson to a 5-year deal worth $250,000 dollars.  While that may seem like a low number, particularly today, Yankee GM Brian Cashman said, “I was originally going to give him 10 million a year.  But this is a man who signed his first contract in 1906 and he insisted on $50,000.  That’s more money than he ever made in the majors.  So it must be a fortune to him.”

Cashman was asked when the idea of first signing Johnson came to him.  “We were in the hotel dining room and I was watching CC Sabathia eating and I realized that at some  point this year that fat son of bitch is going to choke to death on a chicken bone……so I figured why not sign someone who’s already dead?  It would cut insurance costs considerably.”

If one overlooks Carl Pavano, this is the first time the Yankees have signed a dead man, though it was rumored that Chuck Knoblauch was actually dead his final 2 years with the team.

Continued Cashman:  “Being dead for the past 63 years, we will have to start Johnson out with a few bullpen sessions and then bring him into the game in relief as we build his pitch count up.  We hope to have him in the starting rotation by late June.”

Asked how with the previously dead Johnson’s appearance on Earth he would restore the natural order between the worlds Cashman responded, “We optioned Ian Kennedy and Phil Hughes to Hell.  Hopefully they’ll work on their mechanics between flayings by the Devil’s minions.”

Johnson was asked how his arm strength was and replied that he feels “like a man who has only been dead for 20 years.”  This brought a follow up question:  What was his pitch count?  To which Johnson responded, “Pitch count?  Is he Russian?”

The press conference concluded when a reporter asked Johnson whether he felt he would be able to adjust to the modern game.

“Sure. It’s the same beautiful game isn’t it?  I mean, as long as there are no negroes or dominicans on the team I don’t anticipate any problems.”

Johnson then thanked the assembled reporters before heading out to a round of interviews on “this new-fangled television thing.”



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