Frankenberry in happier times

Frankenberry, popular during the ’80s and ’90s but recently fallen upon hard times, was found dead in an alley in Los Angeles this morning.

Many will remember Frankenberry during his heyday when he was the most popular breakfast cereal around.  He would often be paired with archrival Count Chocula and the two would tour the U.S. to adoring fans. At the height of his popularity U2 opened for him.  He was, it seemed, on top of the world.  He was, it seemed, full of delicious strawberry goodness. But behind the smile was darkness.

“Frankenberry had issues with self-esteem” says good friend Sam Toucan of Fruit Loops fame.  “We used to hang around together and he would drop things….hints.  He was jealous of Count Chocula’s ebony complexion.  He felt he was ‘too strawberry.’  He was self-conscious of his club feet and he felt that the top of his head looked like a butt-crack.   He never felt a woman would want him.  He wanted to be taken seriously as an artist.  How do I know?  Oh the nose always knows……”

These inner demons may be the reason that he was fired by General Mills.  A spokesman for the company confirms that Mr. Frankenberry had become difficult on the set, often showing up late and frequently intoxicated.  “It was no secret that he was frustrated.  He felt that he was typecast as a breakfast cereal whereas he felt he had so much else to offer. One time he was so out of it he didn’t know where he was.  He started screaming ‘Do you know who I am?  I’m f—– Frankenberry baby.  I’m a poet trapped in a breakfast cereal’s body.’  Then he started crying and shouted “stop staring at my head.  It is not a butt crack!”

After leaving General Mills Frankenberry tried his hand at theatre and poety.  His one man play “Frank N. Berry – Strawberry Soul Man” which was to open on Broadway received luke warm reviews and was cancelled after previews in Poughkeepsie, New York.  He could often be seen at open mikes and poetry slams in Manhattan reading from his latest works.  It was at one of these while reading his book of poems “I have seen the best minds of my generation destroyed by flavored marshmallows” that he jumped into the crowd and beat up an audience member who was heckling him with shouts of “Nice butt crack on your head.”  After the incident he was banned from many clubs in Manhattan.

He moved back to LA and tried television again but turned down a chance to play “Screetch” on Saved by the Bell because he felt it was beneath his talents.  It was at this point that he reached his lowest point, losing his condo and becoming obsessed with Lindsey Lohan.  “He used to follow her around shouting ‘I know what you’re going through.  Let me help you LiLo…I love you.’ ” according to TMZ.

Then after the new year he disappeared.  No one knew where he was or what had happened to him until today when LA police got a call about homeless men starting a fire under a  freeway.

“We came upon 5 men having what appeared to be a cookout” said Sgt. Bernie Taupin of the LAPD.  “Upon further investigation we discovered they were cooking a giant strawberry marshallow.  It was then we noticed the head that looked like a butt crack and we knew…..”

Toxicology reports indicate the most likely cause of death to be a massive overdose of heroin.

Frankenberry had no living relatives and funeral plans are undisclosed.  His former touring partner Count Chocula said in a prepared statement “He was a gentle soul.  Perhaps too gentle for Hollywood.  I will pray for him tonight.”

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