More crushed expectations

With 6 days to go until opening day Yankee fans are eagerly looking forward to another season filled with excitement, drama, and most  importantly, no championship.

“I believe in tradition.  It’s what the Yankees are all about. And our newest tradition is meekly being swept in the playoffs.  I look forward to a painful first round loss.  How it will happen is anyone’s guess.  Another swarm of bugs from Lake Erie distracting our relief pitcher?  A landmine at shortstop blowing up Derek Jeter?  Alien abduction of Jorge Posada?” says one bleacher creature regular.  “Look, any team can spend $150 million and win, but that’s just not what the Yankees are all about.  I have an 8 year old and he looks forward to having his spirit crushed each October.  Call me sentimental but when he starts crying after the final out I tear up as well.”

Yankee GM Brian Cashman said “The Yankees are all about the fans.  We don’t want to disappoint them.  A whole new generation has grown up expecting us to lose.  It’s a tradition we intend to keep.” 

When a reporter from Philadelphia asked if the object of the game wasn’t to win and shouldn’t that be New York’s goal,  Cashman responded that he would “expect such a provincial question from a backwater hick” before stabbing him in the neck with his pen.

Highlighting their new philosophy Yankee Manager Joe Girardi stepped to the podium and announced his blueprint for losing in the playoffs.

“It all starts with Melky Cabrera.  Hopefully he can strike out often and kill potential rallies. CC Sabathia will sleep in a chilled room on an uncomfortable mattress.  This will give him back spasms forcing him to leave games in the 3rd inning.  From here our bullpen will come into the picture.  They have been instructed to give up as many home runs as possible. We want our outfielders to develop sore shoulders.  If they cannot throw  a ball into the infield that would be great.  Mark Teixeira is contractually obligated to be stricken with syphilis in September, sidelining him in time for the playoffs.  And finally if AROD can hit .180 we believe we will be unwinable.”

Many commentators believe the Yankees bold plan will work and congratulated them on their patriotic spirit.

“The Yankees are just trying to give small market teams across America a chance to win.  It’s very noble of them.”

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