American Accidentally Watches Soccer; Falls into Coma

This ball can cause drowsiness

This ball can cause drowsiness

A man identified as 32-year old Charles Smith lies in a coma at County General Hospital after viewing a soccer game at a local watering hole.

Sources say he walked past a bar and, upon hearing the boisterous crowd inside, entered and asked if the “football” game was on.  When told that the “football match” was indeed on the “telly” he sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. It was at this point that events started to go south for Smith.  After a brief look at the television he noticed that he was not watching the classic and manly game of  “American Football” but soccer.

Smith did what any red blooded American would do.  He stood up and shouted “What the hell is this crap?”  This drew the attention of the other patrons who surrounded him and urinated on his shoes while saying “C’mon……let’s show this Yank what real football is.”   Smith attempted to leave but his path to the door was blocked by a middle aged man with a shopping cart full of coasters who was loudly demanding buy-backs.

Forced to endure soccer on television, Smith bravely finished his pint before  exclaiming “the horror……the horror” and lapsing into unconsciousness.

Brought to the hospital and placed in intensive care, Smith’s story is becoming all too familiar to Urgent Care Technicians.  “Every year hundreds of Americans become comatose after viewing soccer.  There is something about the game that triggers brain seizures.  Drooling, loss of motor functions and eventually death will result.  It’s a lot like watching the last 4 years of the X Files” says Dr. Ian Washington of County General.

“If an American is confronted with soccer on television he is not to panic but to loudly sing the Notre Dame marching song.   This is the only known antidote.”

Sadly this was knowledge was unknown to Charles Smith.

“Scans show no brain activity whatsoever.  If his condition does not change we may have to nominate him for congress.”


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