Thousands Rally to Free the Oxygen Radicals

Today in City Hall Park thousands rallied to free the so-called “Oxygen Radicals”.

“We will not rest as long as our government has the oxygen radicals in jail.  This is a travesty!” said Ronald Marxman of Brooklyn who was elected spokesman for the protestors based on the fact that he had the largest paper mache puppet at the rally.

“We want these radicals freed now.  We will not rest until our radicals walk amongst us.”

As on queue the crowd chanted in unison “Free the Oxygen Radicals”, “Hands off our Radicals”, and oddly, “Death to Soupy Sales”.

Next to address the rally was Janeane Garafolo who said “Anyone who keeps the radicals in jail has a personality disorder.  And they’re fat.  P.S. Watch me on ’24’ only on Fox.  It’s a brand new day”

Before the crowd could get too unruly, the NYPD brought to the stage a professor of biology at NYU who explained that the free radicals were not in fact jailed ’60s dissidents but an atom or group of atoms that have one or more unpaired electrons.  This quieted the crowd somewhat as several asked “what did he say“, “tell us more“, and  “Is Soupy Sales mixed up in this?”

One member of the crowd summed up his disappointment at the news.  “Do you know how long it takes to make a giant paper mache puppet of George Bush being sodomized by Dick Cheney being sodomized by Condoleeza Rice?  And now you’re telling me the Oxygen Radicals aren’t even people?”

Emboldened, the professor (who first had to convince the crowd that he was not the same professor from “Gilligan’s Island” and that he could fix a hole in the side of a boat) went on:  “Oxygen Radicals are not always bad.  You see, during phagocytosis -“

The mention of phagocytosis renewed the crowd’s energy as they started chanting “Hate crime! Hate crime!” before shaking their index fingers at the professor yelling “Don’t give us your white male hatred!” and throwing their shoes at him.  The professor was quickly hustled off stage by the NYPD who then broke up the rally.

The dissapointed rally participants then marched down to the Bowery to hold an anti-Soupy Sales protest.  As they marched downtown they left behind two 30ish woman who came from Westchester County. 

“We thought the rally was about the Oxygen Network.  We hired baby sitters……..”

No word on whether the women were able to make it back home.


One Response

  1. Ro says:

    Yeah, thanks for clarifying the part about the Oxygen Network. Would’ve been nice to know BEFORE I got the (extortionist) babysitter and a plane ticket clear across the country…

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