You can have Helen. She’s too high maintenance for me.

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing the King of Sparta, King Menelaus himself who through the miracle of Skype joins us from the plains of Troy.

MI: Good afternoon King Menelaus. Can you hear me?

KM: Yes I can hear and see you.

MI: How goes the war?

KM: It’s coming along fine. 

MI: How long has the war been going on?

KM: Ten years. But I predict a quick resolution. Achilles went out to meet Hector and we should be hearing back from him soon.

MI: So tell me, what brought about this war?

KM: They stole my wife.

MI: Yes. Helen. The most beautiful women in the world.

KM: Well I wouldn’t go that far. She’s okay. I thought she was hot at the time but all the constant nagging has made her less attractive to me. Plus she’s high maintenance. Very high maintenance.

MI:  I see. And when Paris abducted her and took her to Troy?

KM: Dude, to tell you the truth I was almost relieved.  Let her nag him for change.

MI: But you still went to war?

KM: A bro’s got to protect his honor. Besides everyone was watching. I couldn’t appear weak.

MI: You actually met Paris during the war and engaged in combat. How did that go?

KM: Originally I was going to kill him and claim victory but when I saw the pained look on his face I said, “Helen?” and he said “Yeah dude. What a high maintenance bitch.” We had a good laugh about that. You know, bro to bro.

MI: So you didn’t kill him?

KM: No I let him go. He’s not such a bad guy, Paris. And I do feel sorry for him having to deal with Helen.

MI: When this war ends will you be taking Helen back to Sparta with you?

[Pause]

KM: I suppose I should, though I don’t really know how that will work out.

MI: Meaning?

KM: Its complicated. Our relationship is bound to be strained. And then there’s the whole high maintenance bitch thing.

MI: But you do intend to go back to Sparta?

KM: Yeah. I have lots of King shit that I have to do. You know, executing those who oppose my will. Sleeping with the hot farmer’s daughters. Executing – no wait I already mentioned that.

MI: How will you be getting back?

KM: Same way I got here. By ship. I don’t anticipate any problems getting home. Odysseus said I could hitch a ride with him but something tells me that’s a bad idea. The man absolutely sucks with directions.

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

KM: Hey before you go, would you like to take Helen off my hands? You know, when the war ends.

MI: Um, thanks but I don’t think so. 

KM: Why? She’s the most beautiful woman in the world.

MI: What about the high maintenance bitch thing?

KM: Oh, yeah. I kind of let the cat out of the bag there, didn’t I.

MI: Yes you did.

And so ended my interview with the brave, yet henpecked King of Sparta.

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