My Exclusive Interview with King Menelaus

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You can have Helen. She’s too high maintenance for me.

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing the King of Sparta, King Menelaus himself who through the miracle of Skype joins us from the plains of Troy.

MI: Good afternoon King Menelaus. Can you hear me?

KM: Yes I can hear and see you.

MI: How goes the war?

KM: It’s coming along fine. 

MI: How long has the war been going on?

KM: Ten years. But I predict a quick resolution. Achilles went out to meet Hector and we should be hearing back from him soon.

MI: So tell me, what brought about this war?

KM: They stole my wife.

MI: Yes. Helen. The most beautiful women in the world.

KM: Well I wouldn’t go that far. She’s okay. I thought she was hot at the time but all the constant nagging has made her less attractive to me. Plus she’s high maintenance. Very high maintenance.

MI:  I see. And when Paris abducted her and took her to Troy?

KM: Dude, to tell you the truth I was almost relieved.  Let her nag him for change.

MI: But you still went to war?

KM: A bro’s got to protect his honor. Besides everyone was watching. I couldn’t appear weak.

MI: You actually met Paris during the war and engaged in combat. How did that go?

KM: Originally I was going to kill him and claim victory but when I saw the pained look on his face I said, “Helen?” and he said “Yeah dude. What a high maintenance bitch.” We had a good laugh about that. You know, bro to bro.

MI: So you didn’t kill him?

KM: No I let him go. He’s not such a bad guy, Paris. And I do feel sorry for him having to deal with Helen.

MI: When this war ends will you be taking Helen back to Sparta with you?

[Pause]

KM: I suppose I should, though I don’t really know how that will work out.

MI: Meaning?

KM: Its complicated. Our relationship is bound to be strained. And then there’s the whole high maintenance bitch thing.

MI: But you do intend to go back to Sparta?

KM: Yeah. I have lots of King shit that I have to do. You know, executing those who oppose my will. Sleeping with the hot farmer’s daughters. Executing – no wait I already mentioned that.

MI: How will you be getting back?

KM: Same way I got here. By ship. I don’t anticipate any problems getting home. Odysseus said I could hitch a ride with him but something tells me that’s a bad idea. The man absolutely sucks with directions.

MI: Well that’s about all the time we have.

KM: Hey before you go, would you like to take Helen off my hands? You know, when the war ends.

MI: Um, thanks but I don’t think so. 

KM: Why? She’s the most beautiful woman in the world.

MI: What about the high maintenance bitch thing?

KM: Oh, yeah. I kind of let the cat out of the bag there, didn’t I.

MI: Yes you did.

And so ended my interview with the brave, yet henpecked King of Sparta.

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2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    Infidel, hateful to me as the gates of Hades is the mainstream media which hides one thing in its evil, pulsing heart and speaks another.

    Good to see unvarnished TRUTH in your excellent interview with Menelaus.

    Thanks.

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