Please clap

With the primary finally upon him, a badly trailing Jeb Bush, attempting to garner last minute votes, dropped by a local old age home to get out the vote. The lucky recipient of Bush’s visit was the New Hampshire Home for Veterans.

Strolling confidently into the break room Bush addressed the assembled veterans.

“My pledge to you, I will be a commander and chief who has the back of the military” said the former Governor.

I won’t trash talk, I won’t be a divider-in-chief or an agitator-in-chief. I won’t be out there blowharding, talking a big game without backing it up. I think the next president needs to be a lot quieter but send a signal that we’re prepared to act in the national security interest of this country. To get back in the business of creating a more peaceful world.

Finishing his thinly-veiled swipe at Trump, Bush fell silent and waited for applause. And waited. And waited.

When the applause didn’t come Bush tried to jump start the clapping.

“Please clap. Come on please clap!”

Again he was greeted by silence.

“What the hell is wrong with you people. F*cking clap for god’s sake!”

“This is a f*cking amputee ward” shouted a resident.  “We can’t clap!”

“Well what about your legs?  Do you have legs?  How about stomping the floor for me?”

“I have no arms and legs you asshole” screamed another resident.

Sensing that he was losing the crowd the presidential candidate tried to deflect the tension with a joke.

“No arms and legs? Wife cut them off, eh? Women!”

“I stepped on a mine in Vietnam asshole!”

“Was it at the Chosin reservoir? That was a tough battle.”

“That was Korea you moron!”

The rest of the crowd started to boo Bush.

“Get the hell out of here you c*cksucker!”

Quickly the Secret Service stepped in and hustled the candidate away.

Hoping to minimize the damage Bush blamed the embarrassment on shoddy work by his advance staff.

“I take full responsibility for what happened” said Bush.

And by taking full responsibility I mean I am firing my staff.  No one told me these voters had no arms or legs. Sure it was an amputee ward but I didn’t expect real amputees. Why the hell can’t I get any plants like Hillary does at her events? This wouldn’t happen to me if I were a Republican. What?  I’m a Republican? Since when?

Bush’s new campaign manager announced that from now on all his campaign events will be restricted to those who have two or more limbs.

“In a perfect world we’d like them to have all limbs. Or at the very least three limbs and a cast. I mean we’re not even trying to get the amputee vote. Rubio has that locked up.”

(26)

Avoid placing your MarcoBot near water or open flames

Congratulations on your purchase!  You are the proud owner of a MarcoBot 5000, the latest and greatest in robotic technology. We here at the MarcoBot Corporation feel confident in saying that your new robot will give you years of pleasure. However there are certain things you must know about your MarcoBot beforehand.  Just follow our easy instructions and you will have no problems. Enjoy your MarcoBot!

Turning your MarcoBot on:

Unlike older models of robots our MarcoBot 5000 has no clumsy on/off switch. Instead place your MarcoBot in a sitting position and say in an audible voice, “Amnesty yes!”  Your MarcoBot is programmed to stand up, pump his arm in the air and say, “I think that’s something we can all agree on!”  Your MarcoBot is now ready to meet the day.

Note:  Some have written to us about the MarcoBot’s unfortunate tendency to go into a repeatable loop when the words “Chris Christie” are said within earshot (generally five feet for newer models). When in a repeatable loop the MarcoBot is not dangerous. Simply say the words “Close our borders” and your MarcoBot should recover from his loop and stop talking. If this doesn’t work however you may have to send him back to the factory. If he is still under warranty we will pay shipping and handling costs.

What can your MarcoBot do?

Perhaps you need to gain “Street cred” as they say.  Your MarcoBot can be useful for this. Simply take your MarcoBot into a Hispanic neighborhood and watch him work the crowds. Our MarcoBot contains up to 15 pre-programmed phrases such as “I’m Marco. I’m 100 Hispanic and [your name] is my best friend” and “Do not fear the progressive white man. He is here to help you.”

The MarcoBot can also be a reliable wingman for single owners.  Take the MarcoBot to a bar and watch him mingle with the singles. Just be careful to keep your MarcoBot away from alcohol.  If the MarcoBot becomes intoxicated he may call for an invasion of Cuba. While this is potentially embarrassing it is still better than earlier versions of the MarcoBot that, when intoxicated, would put on a sombrero and say “Ay Carumba!  I must swim across the Rio Grande!”

Can the MarcoBot do laundry, vacuum or other household chores?  Technically yes but we advise against it. Having a Hispanic, even a robot, do your household chores reeks of white privilege.

Will my MarcoBot overheat?

Doubtful. The MarcoBot 5000 comes with three state of the art heatsinks. One is located on his backside, one in his mouth and one on his larger than life ears, thereby ensuring heat will escape in a timely and reliable fashion. Your MarcoBot 5000 is one cool customer!

How do I order spare parts?

You will not need to.  The MarcoBot 5000 is solid state. This is a significant upgrade from earlier hybrid MarcoBot models.

Can I exchange an older MarcoBot for a newer model?

If your earlier version of the MarcoBot is still under warranty then yes. If his warranty has expired you will unfortunately have to pay full price for the MarcoBot 5000.

How do I turn my MarcoBot off?

The middle finger on each hand of the MarcoBot is the control switch. If you need to turn him off simply have the MarcoBot hold both middle fingers in the air.

Is the MarcoBot safe around children?

Children were frightened by the wooden, robotic appearance of earlier models. This has been fixed and your children should warm to him and view him as one of the family.

We feel that the MarcoBot 5000 will provide years of enjoyment for you and your family. If however you experience problems with your model not mentioned in this manual please call 1-800-notwinning.  Thank you.

(59)

Repent from your selfish capitalist ways!

American take their politics very seriously. It is our religion and our political leaders are our priests. In keeping with the American love of rough and tumble politics I am pleased to interview Democratic candidate for president, Bernie Sanders.

MI: Good afternoon Senator Sanders.

BS: Your greeting to me is elitist.

MI: Okay. So wishing you a good afternoon is elitist?

BS: It is comrade.  By wishing me a good afternoon your white privilege shows. Would you wish a person of color a good afternoon?

MI: Yeah, why not?

BS: But you probably wouldn’t mean it. You’d rather they died in wars overseas fighting for the white man.

MI: Better watch your mouth punk.

BS: If I am elected President no longer will the peoples of color be forced to fight the white man’s overseas wars.

MI: How would you accomplish that?

BS: I am a compassionate man Manhattan Infidel. I don’t kill our enemies. Drones. I’d have drones kill our enemies.

MI: Right. Let’s change the subject.  Would you describe yourself as a socialist?

BS: Yes. Totally.

MI: What is socialism?

BS: How much money do you have on you?

MI: 100 dollars.

BS: Give me 90 dollars.

MI: Why?

BS: I’m with the government that”s why.

[Bernie punches Manhattan Infidel]

MI: What the hell was that for?

BS: Socialism.  We’ll take your money and punch you in the face.

MI: That’s an admirably honest explanation. But I see our time is up. 

BS: Wait. There’s one more thing.

MI: What that?

BS: I reveal my inmost self unto my god.

[Bernie removes the mask he is wearing and reveals he is a radiation scarred mutant]

MI: What the hell?

BS: Glory be to the Bomb, and to the Holy Fallout. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be. World without end. Amen. 

MI: You’re a radiation-scarred mutant!  Though I must say that’s not much different than the mask you usually wear.

BS: May the Blessings of the Bomb Almighty, and the Fellowship of the Holy Fallout, descend upon us all. This day and forever more.

MI: An atomic bomb is your god?

BS: The only thing that counts in the end is power! Naked merciless force! Compassionate and naked merciless force.

You know, maybe socialism isn’t such a bad thing. At least we’ll be more compassionate.

(19)

This endangered species must be preserved.

Citing the need to strike “a balance” between the needs of its citizens and protecting a heretofore unknown species, Governor Jerry Brown ordered water from California reservoirs diverted to supply fresh water for the Creature from the Black Lagoon (the “Creature.”)

“This is a difficult decision I did not make lightly” said Brown.

Many farmers will be inconvenienced. Their farms will go dry and they will be bankrupt. On the bright side this gives them a chance to devote more time to hobbies. Or possibly take a few computer courses and get a job in Silicon Valley. And while they are learning new, more valuable skills the Creature will have fresh water that he needs.

After Governor Brown’s opening statement the Creature was brought forward to make a few comments.

“I’d like to thank Governor Brown and the EPA for making this day possible” he said.

After I left the Amazon and migrated here I was worried that I wouldn’t be welcome. Oh sure I did kill a few people but that was just a cultural misunderstanding. They thought I was a threat and I thought they were eastern European, possibly Hungarian. But that’s in the past. I came to California because I was guaranteed free healthcare and I was attracted by its climate. But there isn’t much water here.  I mean I can live on land but my skin gets very dry. And when my skin gets dry I get irritable and look for eastern Europeans to kill.

The Creature then promised to vote for Brown should he seek reelection.

Now that I am guaranteed access to water I will be bringing many of my fellow creatures up here to this promised land. With this State’s many sanctuary cities I know we will be welcomed. I am going to tell all my kind to vote for Brown and any Democrats running for office. I look forward to forging friendships with my fellow Mexican immigrants and as long as no eastern Europeans get in my way things should be fine.

Opposition to Brown’s plan to diver the reservoirs remains high however with the residents of the Inland Empire.

“We need the water. And Governor Brown can go to hell if he thinks we are going to stand by and let this happen” said a resident of Riverside County.

When asked about the controversy the Creature confessed ignorance.

I’m just a simple, poor humble piscine amphibious humanoid with skeletal hands and webbed fingers. I know nothing about American politics. Though I’m told that Republicans are racist. But I do know that Governor Brown is a compassionate man and I and my kind have all the water we need.  God bless Governor Brown.

There are plans to make a biography of the Creature.

“I can’t think of any other actor besides Hugh Jackman who has the good looks to play me” said the Creature.

(23)