I blame climate change. But at least I don’t see that freak De Blasio

Staten Island Chuck did not see his shadow, thereby ensuring that Spring would arrive early.

“No shadow.  Alright.  No f*cking shadow. Are you satisfied you f*cking humans” Chuck shouted at his adoring fans.

Just get me back in my hole.  I do this shit every year. Shadow, no shadow. I tell it as I see it. There is no shadow.  Spring will arrive early. Ice caps will melt. Our coastal regions will flood. It’s just like the movie with Dennis Quaid. You know, The Day After Tomorrow. I’m telling ya global warming is here. So run for the hills or learn to f*cking swim.

Chuck’s pronouncement was greeted warmly by the American Meteorological Society.

“This is a welcome confirmation of everything we have been warning people about for years” said AMS Frederick Carr.

Climate change is the security threat facing America today. If we don’t end American dependence on fossil fuels we are doomed. Our climate is changing and we are to blame. We need to give our government the power to control our behavior. In fact, even our government cannot save us from the horrors of climate change. What we need is an international authority like the UN. Only they have the power to save the world. That’s why the AMS favors a United Nations tax for all Americans. I thank Staten Island Chuck for being on the right side of the climate change wars. Even though he isn’t a certified climatologist such as I am it is proof that one doesn’t have to have a degree to see the settled science of climate change.

New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio), who was not present at the Staten Island Zoo to witness the historic pronouncement from Chuck,  announced that he will immediately fly to Washington DC to call for the forced relocation of all coastal residents to hundreds of miles inland.

“I was hesitant to ask for this drastic step” he said.

But once Chuck said that the climate would be getting warmer I could not wait any longer. We must act now. The world is in danger. I know it. You know it. The ground squirrel known as Chuck knows it. And he doesn’t even have a degree like I do. Peoplekind must move inland. We must stop using cars and airplanes. We must stop using flush toilets and 100 watt light bulbs. The marmot said so.

As for Staten Island Chuck, he is nonplussed with his new-found fans in the educated elite.

“Okay, truth be told George Soros gave me lots of money to say that shit. He said it was necessary to increase his power. He also gave me a lifetime supply of female groundhog pussy. I’m happy. And I hear they are going to relocate me to higher ground. That’s good. I hate Staten Island.”

(27)